Skepticism...

2011 Review

2012-01-08T14:02:00.000-05:00

Is it really 2012?

Realizing the beginning of a new year forces me to look back at what happened throughout 2011. I like lists so here we go:

1. Jeannie became a permanent resident and finally we can rest assured that we can legally reside in the same country without fear of separation. This was one of the biggest moments for us in 2011.

2. I was accepted to Grad school, something I've always had on my list of life goals and it's really happening!

3. Jeannie and I made some serious decisions and plans with regards to family planning and our future.

4. Jeannie started working in Canada! Which was so weird to us at first but is amazing.

5. I hit all of my professional work goals that I set for myself and then some.

6. We made a dozen trips to Bangor and Portland, ME and one very long trip over to Ontario along with a handful of trips to Halifax. We spent and abundance of quality time with some of our favourite people and our beloved families.

7. I lost my Grandfather. Something I still get very emotional about. I was able to spend some very special last moments with him with my wife and mom by my side which is also one of the most cherished moments of 2011 that I'll never forget.

8. I fell in love with my wife all over again. We celebrated our third wedding anniversary, and I see new things I love about her all the time!

9. I stood up with one of my best friends while she married her best friend!

10. We celebrated the amazing news with a few close friends expecting wee one's in 2012.

11. I realized some of my best friends are my immediate family.

12. We met some amazing new friends in Maine and in Saint John!

I cannot believe 2011 is over and we are already on to a new year but everything I love and adore is moving forward with me in one way or another and the adventure continues. That saying "live life to the fullest" I feel if you have things you want to accomplish, things you want for yourself and for your family.... there is nothing that can hold you back. You can always find a way. Nothing comes without struggle in some way or another but I honestly believe that if you fight for what you want, for what you believe in that amazing things will happen. And as a person of faith I feel that prayer along the way will give you the guidance and patience to see through it all.

Happy New Year Everyone, here's to an amazing 2012.

Ye old debate.

2011-12-18T14:23:00.001-05:00

Jeannie has been discussing issues of Christianity and homosexuality with a friend from old school Christian circles. The initial conversation started with a question/statement that one's struggle with an inner anger as a constant source of "sin" was comparative to what he considered an inner homosexual desire would be. This comparison linked the urge to lash out in anger as the same source of urge to seek out a same sex relationship.

It wasn't soon in their discussions that he quickly recanted this comparison and saw it as unfit. Again having such conversations truly are a way to engage and educate one another. With further discussion the question always comes back to scripture. Most self proclaimed Christians cling tightly to the bible as the main source for faith. Though I express my faith in a far more loose sense in terms of my ideas of scripture and the fallacy of the bible, Jeannie still has a lot of the same views on the scriptures as she did in the beginning of her bible college venture.

In reading her e-mail that only touches on the scriptural basis of homosexuality in the bible I though I would share it as I feel it expresses so clearly why we need to look deeper when reading sacred texts.

Email 1:
If I thought that being in love with someone was the same as wanting to beat someone up, I might read further into your analogy about anger...however, I see no comparison, because I don't believe that loving Heather is a sin. I am convinced that my sexuality and our sexual orientations, whatever they may be, are a gift from God. Sexual sin does not reside in our orientations, but rather in expressing our sexuality in ways that harm, oppress, or use others for our own selfish gratification. When we express ourselves sexually in ways that are loving and just, faithful and responsible, I am certain that God has no issues with that. A relationship like Heather's and mine isn't ever addressed in scripture, especially the original translations. In fact, I believe that there are more scriptural reasons to oppose homophobia than loving, homosexual relationships. There are only six or seven Bible verses that say something about homosexual behaviors, but none of those verses (especially if read in context and original languages) say any thing about a committed, love amongst same sex partners. I can go into detail of each verse if you would like. I can talk and talk about the Bible, but one thing that I feel needs mentioning is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a guide. I remember being a kid and feeling that conviction when I would think about hitting my sister or stealing my brother's cds. I would feel it when I thought badly about someone or called someone a name. I still feel it when I go faster than the speed limit or tell someone a white lie...however that conviction has never been an issue where Heather's is involved. I did question my feelings for her at first, but that was because I was told that it was wrong for the fist eighteen years of my life. I didn't know any better. So faced with those feelings, I studied scriptures (with the help of my Old Testament professor, although he didn't know it...and the help of Greek, Aramaic and Hebrew dictionaries) and the questioning diminished. Conviction wouldn't be the word for it...Pressured and fear the unknown caused that questioning.

*A response e-mail was send asking for more scriptural basis for Jeannie's belief's.*

Email 2:
I need to explain something about the changing minds thing...For me, (Heather too)...Its not about having everyone think the exact same way. If that were the case then we would all be robots. Thankfully we are humans. With everything: politics, religion, social issues...no one has the exact same views. The important thing is that there is respectful dialogue between friends and people so that we can understand all sides. For me, its not about changing minds or saying "I'm right and you're wrong". Its about living with the knowledge of difference in society and the understanding that sexuality is only a tiny little part of that difference. I would be totally denying the truth, if I said I didn't want to change your mind, but ultimately that is not my goal. God gave us free will. He wants us to choose him, but he does not force it so.

My OT Professor at the time had no idea was talking about me. I remember asking him ("for a friend") to go over some scriptures with me in the OT about same sex relationships. In all the studies we went through, there was no correlation from scripture to committed relationships. I can get into specifics, but I have learned that it is a never ending circle of questions. Basics: Sodom and Gemorrah: not the homosexual behaviors being addressed but rather in hospitality. Sodom is mentioned somewhere around 48 times in the Bible and not once is homosexuality mentioned as the reason for God's judgement. Yet somehow Genesis 19 is a story that Conservatives love to use when given sermons against same sex relationships. Leviticus: If you read the chapters before and after chapter 18 you will see that the Mosiac Code is dealing with idolatry, more specifically at this point towards the pagan god Molech. If Leviticus 18:22 is considered in the context of its surrounding chapters and previous verse, then one might expect that it refers to some forbidden idolatrous activity in a Pagan temple, which often included temple prostitutes, from which the ancient Israelites must separate themselves. So to me, any many liberal theologians and believers, this scripture is more about men having "ritual" anal sex in pagan temples, in regards to same sex prostitution which I would say is not cool...no form of prostitution is okay. Other liberal theologians believe that the translation means not to sleep with another man in a woman's bed. With this translation taken, one can assume that women were definitely not equal to men in these times and therefore, for one man to treat another as if he were a woman would be inappropriate, degrading and worthy of capital punishment. This goes along with 600 other guidelines, that most Christians today don't follow, so why pick out just the one that suits their agenda?

With Mr. B's knowledge, I basically came to the conclusion that my focus when studying homosexuality in scriptures needed to be in the New Testament. With Jesus came the gospels and latter parts. Romans 1 - SO Paul wrote Romans from Corinth, a place where immorality and prostitution was openly practiced. At this point, Rome was even more idolatrous than Corinth. Temples and shrines to Cybele, Artemis, Venus/Aphrodite, Astarte, and others were scattered densely around the region of Paul's upbringing and missionary travels. Since Paul was referencing a particular pagan religious activity, shrine prostitution...I believe it is dishonest to reinterpret his words as if they suddenly refer to modern gays, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people. Romans 1 in my words...This story is about former pagans, converted to Paul's Christianity, returning to their pagan ways, worshipping idols. So then God gave them over to their lustful ways, where heterosexuals had one big pagan worshipping orgy. Something I personally have never done, nor do I desire to partake in such things. Now the words "unnatural" should probably be addressed. There are a few ways to look at the word "unnatural" in this scripture. The way that I look at it is that for a person with a heterosexual orientation, homosexual behavior is "shameful," "unnatural," "indecent," and a "perversion." Going against the way in which God made you. When it comes to Paul, I have to note that I also believe that he write from his point of view. He is culturally bound. For example in 1 Corinthians 11:14-15 (taken out as a single verse) says For men to have long hair it is a disgrace, but for a woman to have long hair it is her glory and acts as her covering (paraphrased of course). Makes me wonder if Jesus really had long hair like all the pictures suggest.

1 Corinthians 6:9 - The word homosexuals used in this verse, in my opinion (as well as many scholars opinion) is inappropriate. The word Homosexual didn't come about until the 1800's when some german dude wrote a book on discovering your soul. There are two words used here, niether which translate to a loving, legal, commited relationship with someone of the same sex. The original Greek text reads "malakoi arsenokoitai". The first word means soft and the meaning of the second word has been lost. It was once used to refer to a male temple prostitute. In the time of Martin Luther (not Martin Luther King), the scripture referred more loosely to masturbastion and now it refers to homosexuals. It seems to have changed interpretation with the times. We know that "malakoi" means soft because in Matthew 11:7-18 and Luke 7:24-25, "soft" clothing is referred to using the same word. Early church fathers used the word to define men who were morally weak or soft. The second word seems to have been made up by Paul, since no writings have been found on the word dating earlier than 1 Corinthians. All that we know for sure is that "arseno" in Greek means male. The latter part of the word is the part that has been lost. The second word is also used in 1 Timothy. Again, over time it has been interpreted to mean something in regards to homosexuals, but in reality there is no true translation in early lexicons for the word.

I am constantly reminded as to how lucky I am to be married to such a thoughtful and genuine person. When I read how she expresses not only her faith, but her love for me I'm even more aware. Never forget to dive into faith head first, don't take anything at face value and don't be afraid to express differing views in a respectful fashion.

For Jorja and Dali

2011-12-17T15:21:00.000-05:00

I most certainly would have to say that Jorja and Dali have changed my life, they've changed my relationship with my wife and they've changed my entire routine. That being said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you aren't an animal lover you likely wont understand and should probably stop reading here.

I had a cat growing up who lived to the ripe old age of 15. The day my dad had to take her to the vet to put her to sleep is a memory I'll never shake. Blackie was a part of our family for 15 whole years. I feel bad that my feline friends now don't always get the focus that my dogs do but it's because they enjoy relaxing doing their own thing more than anything else and I'd have to say having adopted all 4 of my pets that they now enjoy a rather comfortable living (ha). Though I love both of my cats just the same, the extent of work a dog takes is so incredibly different I cannot even compare them.

I had never experienced having a dog growing up, and now I cannot picture life without them. Throwing not one, but two young dogs in to the mix in terms of my marriage with my wife has been such an amazing adventure. We are such an amazing team and I'm proud to say we've raised two really well behaved and extremely well taken care of dogs; even if they both have their quirks. It's also been amazing adding another living thing into your family that you love with such extreme devotion. Who else would I wake up with at 6am and take outside to pee rain or shine? Or clean up their vomit when they are sick? Nice image I know. In all honesty to my beloved furry companions, you have changed our lives and you've shown us what true team work is and true devotion because no matter what the day .... you still need us... both of us.

That being said, I cannot wait to add just one more addition to our family. When that time comes .... I'd like to think the way we've cared for and raised our dogs is just a slight indication of how we will do when we raise our children.

The true reason for writing this is to make a plea that if you have room in your family for an animal please take the time to consider the big picture and be prepared for the amount of time and effort they will need from you. Especially this time of year when gift giving is at it's highest please make sure a pet is the right fit. With that in mind please please please consider adoption. There is an abundance of pets out there who need homes; all different ages and breeds. Buying a pet from a pet store is something I am strongly against as their are so many options for adoption even if you have a specific breed or age in mind. Please check out www.petfinder.com for the right fit for you. Give an even bigger gift this season, give an animal a forever home.

Facebook failures.

2011-12-15T19:36:00.001-05:00

I've done the unspeakable ... I'm taking a break from facebook.

I've said it before and I'll say it again for some reason I don't seem to fit into my own generation. I try and try but I am all the more confused. As I move into the new year with the impending next big educational adventure I am looking to omit yet another task from my life. Beyond finding facebook a boresom time consuming task I also find myself constantly dissapointed with the emptiness that "socializing" on facebook leaves you with. I miss old means of conversation and face to face interaction. It's become seemingly more common that quality time is now virtual.

That being said, unfortunately facebook has become a necessary tool though I find myself looking for more and more reasons to get away from it, it merely is inevitable that if I want to feel "connected" i need it. It's sad when you think about it. My hope is that i'll find a way back, a way back to touching base with the people I love that isn't 90% virtual. Fiding new ways to let people know I'm thinking of them, I miss them and I care about them.

For those of you in my close cirlc, you'll know that I'm big on quality not quantity. I carefully select those who I want to spend time with because I'm also big on not wasting time. If I like you, chances are I love you. And if I love you then there probably isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. So this holiday season I hope to spend time focusing on new old ways of communicating to those who mean the most to me.

A little Brett Dennen to set the mood, love one another because nothing else really matters.

Insert clever title here.

2011-12-01T17:28:00.003-05:00

Life keeps moving, there's no altering that.
I feel very aware that I'm in a constant state of motion.
The notion of taking time to "sit" feels foreign.

I continue to think about life, faith and all that goes along with it.

This notion of tradition as we move in to the holiday season.
Again with this idea of tradition as something safe and solid.
I fully believe that sometimes that comfort we have in tradition can steer us away from new adventures, new modes of thought.

There is so much history in tradition, so much depth.
Years of sculpting into what exists today.
We use tradition as an expression but I wonder if we all to often use it as a weapon. Stick to what you know, hold fast to what's been done before you ..... for when we challenge and look at alternatives are we not met with disgust and anger .... especially when put in the context of religious doctrine?

Don't get me wrong I want to create my own sense of tradition with my own little family .... but I think what I hope is to always remain open to new experiences. as with everything when we close ourselves off we miss out on the beauty of so much more.

In death we learn about life.

2011-10-17T13:25:00.001-04:00

Faith tells you there is more, that the end isn't the end.
When the time comes to watch your loved one literally pass from this life to the next emotions can cloud your once decided thoughts on the matter.

Two days ago my grandfather passed away, no words can be compiled to express what he meant to my family and to anyone who had the pleasure of even just spending a day with him. Some people have an understanding and a joy about life, that was his legacy. We learn from the important figures in our lives, and if my grandfathers essence is any indication of the type of person I have the potential to be than I feel overjoyed for having lived part of this life with him.

Family is everything, the family you choose and those you don't choose. I believe that if we give our all to the one's we love that it will come back to you. My grandfather never spent a moment of his last weeks alone, I think that shows the type of person he was throughout his life.

When we come to the end of this life all that matters is love and family, the rest seems to wash away .... if we loose track of that during the busy years we may miss out on the true beauty of life. Hold on to what you love and make time for those who are important to you ..... live each moment.. each minute..... and know that there is so much more ....

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

2011-09-15T12:58:00.001-04:00

Political arguments, unnecessary bureaucracy, debates, wars, protests.....

We complicate, confuse and dilute the wonder and the magic that lies in daily life.

When will we see that simplicity is possible? That love can reign?

The life of the lone Blackhawk fan.

2011-08-29T15:45:00.000-04:00

Thinking "differently" is nothing new.
When I was growing up in a family full of hardcore Maple Leaf's fan's, I absolutely had to cheer for the Blackhawks. The truth is that I didn't truthfully care which team I cheered for, I think I care more about the graphics on the goalie masks that I enjoyed sketching. I use the example to express my constant desire to look at something different than what's in front of me.

I've always challenged everything, absolutely everything and I likely drove my parent's nuts. In current society the media seems to control "acceptable" behavior, everything from acceptable product usages to acceptable means of modern medicine, health and wellness.

What I don't understand is why those of us who do challenge the views of the masses and challenge us to look at alternative views are made to feel irrational or irresponsible. I'm talking about everything from strict theological views and historical rhetoric involving scriptural interpretations to views surrounding naturalist health practices.

I speak in general terms but from a very personal prospective. Not only have I challenged the theological perceptions of sexuality and gender roles but I see other important aspects of society I seek to challenge. I look at aspects of the medical community such as vaccinations and antibiotic use in the same light. All too often we are told what to think how to act and respond to a variety of situations. When we challenge those views we are often met with a lot of opposition.

Is it not safe to say that in the same ways we challenge historical theological doctrine to bring it in line with current social structures could we not also look at the same with modern medicine.

My frustration comes when someone like myself makes a stand to choose an alternative view, an alternative route and I'm then treated as if I've chosen a ridiculous path with no educational basis behind it. But again I challenge that too often we accept what is common, what it habit rather than moving into the unknown. Be it faith, medicine, life, health etc.

Never be afraid to think for yourself, to challenge things and come to your own conclusions in your own educated fashion.

Our Queer Elderly Popuplation

2011-06-13T13:06:00.001-04:00

Incredibly interested radio program on LGBTQ Seniors

Amazing... listen.... I've often been curious about our LGBTQ brother's and sisters who are elderly.... and how scary life must be for them. Anyways have a listen.... I think we need to give our LGBTQ seniors more visibility and far more avenues for support.

Work Related Woes

2011-06-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

I manage a Home Care Company for more on the home care industry in and what we are trying to work towards visit: NBHSA.CA

I manage nearly 50 clients, that is 50 different homes in a system that has no set rules and regulations governing its employees or practices. On top of that in my office we are a two woman show, trying to supervise 30 plus staff that are in a constant state of change because the pay is so crappy which is directly affected by the lack of government support we receive. I work with social workers who don’t communicate well at all and families who I try my best to keep happy with there constant changing needs. I listen to complaints from clients, staff, family about a system that is directly related to our local and federal government issues surrounding health care. When it comes down to it most days it all gets laid on my shoulders because I am the face of this company, the company that aids clients as their illness progresses and that aids clients as they die. I have always loved seniors, I’ve always loved people and I walked in to the home care industry thinking I could operate as I always had loving people and serving the elderly with my whole heart in whatever capacity that way. The truth is, I often feel powerless and exhausted but I have to keep in mind that sweet old woman who would call you an angel for performing the most simple of tasks for her and that gentle elderly man who thinks you are precious for just giving him the time of day. I want more for home care, I want more our aging population and I want far more for the caregivers who give there all to provide a service that as of yet gives them far less in return.

We all deserve more!

My folks and I often come back to the piece of scripture that states; “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25:40) I suggest reading the whole chapter but the focus here is on"the least of these" meaning in this context those who lack optimal health, wealth and the basic necessities of survival. When we think about the things society, capitalism and in many ways our government officials show as being most important I feel we aren't truly caring for those who are sick, hungry .. in need... "the least of these". And in my industry I feel the same lack of recognition of what should truly be valued in this life.... one another.

A Variety of Things

2011-06-09T11:52:00.000-04:00

I like lists so we'll say I have three major things on my mind that need to be put down in writing......

1. The most important of all, no matter how difficult the past year has been when it comes down to it I feel absolutely blessed. I have an abundance of love and support in my life and that is what got me through the past year. And now, we are officially both living in New Brunswick permanently and all those worries about "worst case scenarios" are gone. Now I can focus on other things... like enjoying the moment and everything I love about my life.

2. As I feel more and more support and love sometimes it seems distant to me that others are still struggling to find acceptance. Anderson Cooper just unveiled his news series called "The Sissy Boy Experiment" which blew my mind. Not too long ago I was leaving a college that dismissed me as being "damaged" or "sinful". Seems so distant now but it wasn't all too long ago that I also was feeling some of the damaging affects of being dismissed or made to feel wrong and punished for just simply being who you are. If you haven't watched or read up on The Sissy Boy Experiment I highly recommend it. It's a light in to a dark spoke of fundamentalist Christian ridicule towards anything slightly homosexual. Again this makes me want to express how important I feel it is to really question everything.

3. Life. The opportunities are endless but often times you really have to get out there and make things happen. Don't live your life sitting and waiting.... push yourself. If you think about your desires and wallow in "hope" but never act, what will you gain from that? I'm not talking about selfish desires linked with possessions or "deep dark desires". I'm talking about the things you aspire to. You are capable of anything, life is amazing... go get it!

That is all.... I'm still absorbing the fact that Jeannie is a permanent resident and that I officially really do get to keep her ha. Thank goodness!

I am blessed.... and I hope the same for you.

My thoughts on Osama

2011-05-03T14:25:00.000-04:00

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate only love can do that.-Martin Luther King Jr.

My mind has never comprehended war, my mind has never contemplated the need for weapons as their very existence is the reason some now feel they require them. I can never understand how or why to cheer for the death of another human being. What is the consequence in that? What is learned? What is exemplified other than a means of justifying something we all profess to be wrong, killing. Martin Luther says it best, and I shake my head because I don't see this as a solution and I don't see this as a means to an end.

What good can ever come of blood shed?

A Jumble of Recent Thoughts

2011-04-17T16:12:00.000-04:00

I had an experience recently where I volunteer that I can't get out of my head. I volunteer within Hospice helping people who typically have 0 to 3 months left to live. Some find it morbid but I honestly find so much joy in spending time with people who are nearing the end of their life's journey. I was touched in particular by family members who stay around the clock, even sleeping on the floor just to be with their loved one's. It really made me think about all the people in my life that I would do just that, I would sacrifice my own comforts to comfort another. I came home and called my wife and I told her "I would sleep on the floor for you." I thought about my parents and my brother and without hesitation, I'd do the same... I'd sleep on the floor for them.

When you think about it though, how many people do you have in your life that you would "sleep on the floor for". I mean honestly? I am easily frustrated with the way my generation builds relationships. I think social media is to blame, though I have my own love/hate relationship with social media I think we are really missing something. I think it's a hindrance for the amount of face to face interactions we should or could have. I mean currently you can have a "friendship" without ever meeting face to face. I joke all the time that I may be in my late 20's but I feel as though I'm in my 50's.... perhaps it's because I compare present and past generations and I choose to identify more with the past.

All that being said, I wish we all valued human life more. In a variety of social scenes I think we truly miss the point and I think we miss out on how beautifully unique people really are. I think we often times miss out on sitting with that 100 year old woman who has decades and decades of stories to tell. Is it that we truly don't have the time or that we just don't want to take the time any more? Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect and I fill my time with useless activities more than I feel I should... I do want to keep myself in check and listen more.... I mean really listen.

Opiate for the Masses

2011-03-16T07:33:00.001-04:00

Karl Marx is respected in my world, as a sociologist he was bright and stark with regards to social views on various policy outlooks. Though I do think his pessimistic ways of looking at everything likely caused him to lack a real sense of joy, intellectually he had some interesting insights.

I've heard this often from many people that; Religion was merely a means to control the masses. One of the most common quoted and misquoted from Karl's work, in looking at the real root of that comment I'll quote Marx work here;

Religious distress is at the same time the expression of real distress and the protest against real distress. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness. The demand to give up the illusion about its condition is the demand to give up a condition which needs illusions.
Karl Marx, Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right

Again I look at this and state my major complaint, that most people assume religion and faith to be one in the same. In my world it's the complete opposite. Though religion attempted to control, historical accounts show the attempts to control Jesus and his followers with failing attempts. The followers of Christ at the time were rebels and outcasts in many ways, which actually counter attacks the statement that religion reigned in control, because it actually failed in this respect.

Currently Religion still exists for a variety of reasons and perhaps Karl Marx was correct, I see how Religion has the ability to oppress, and for some it does give an illusion to focus on. With any major facet of society be it religion or politics, there will always be a portion of utter corruption but to make assumptions of the entire population is merely fallacy. Assuming that all people involved in the realm of church and religion live in an illusion and to discount real faith and what that gives to human life and to the human spirit is to discount one of the most beautiful aspects of humanity.

In my life my faith is a source of love and encouragement, it's a source of strength and joy. There is no connection to religion other than the fact that I find scripture fascinating, I don't use it as a source of control but rather a means of intellectual literary study. For me faith add's beauty to my life.

Hidden Things

2011-03-02T13:19:00.000-05:00

I've been attending a bible study at my church unlike anything I've experienced before.
Currently we are looking at the non-canonical scriptures and taking a deeper look at questioning the authority of the bible as we know it.

As you dive deeper into the complication of the bible there is some amazing inspiration but there have also been a lot of human influence. A lot of cutting and pasting and a lot of accommodations. The truth is that as human's we desire to have things make sense. This essentially aided in the scriptures cut and past technique as a method of construing sense out of historical pieces that may not entirely mesh perfectly together. So over time, pieces were omitted, pieces were overlooked, edited. The truth is that if we look at the scriptures as they are compiled today, though I believe the essence of Christian historical accounts is richly entrenched in the scriptures I do believe that Christians over time have been given a severely watered down view of God, Christianity and Jewish culture/history.

To truly believe in a faith that is relevant and historical it then requires intense study and research beyond what authority consistently promotes. If I move beyond and look at questioning the authority of the bible and looking at other historical texts that are also considered Christian scripture but were omitted overtime, than I believe I will be given a broader view. If I want a faith that is purely mind, genuine and personal than I have to look beyond what is right in front of me because I feel God is more.

I am excited at looking deeper at the Apocrypha and looking in to the aspects of these "secret" scriptures that were chosen not to be a part of our canonical texts and look at the controversy that lies within each "extra" book to see what messages were considered unacceptable. I believe this with everything and I blame it on my passion for sociology. In looking at my faith I do it in the same way I look at society. We need to look beyond what the masses consider "the norm" to really challenge ourselves and really challenge change. I believe in looking beyond in a respectful yet scholarly way we evoke change in ourselves and quite possibly in those around us.

For a more indepth read of Apocrypha Texts click here.

I look forward to sharing more throughout the study!

Mumford & Sons - The Cave (Live on 89.3 The Current)

2011-02-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes music says what words can't express....

"But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again..."

The Joy in Life

2011-02-19T06:49:00.000-05:00

So much of life is what we make of it, our attitudes and our drive to do great things. I often have big ideas and need to contain myself so I don't run myself ragged but....I think having those big ideas brings so much to my life. I think in having those joys and those "extra curricular" activities that mean so much are really the essence of what makes life beautiful.

At the end of the day, our life matters and what you do to contribute matters also. We all have the potential to touch lives in a variety of ways, I think if we keep that in mind we may just feel better about the monotonous actions of our days. I find I hear a lot of negative or angry thoughts and words, for some it's so difficult to see that beauty and to maintain that level of positivity. I think even if it takes work, if we strive to see good rather than evil it will ooze out of you.

Another thing along with thinking positive is reminding yourself of the things we take advantage of. In my work I meet a wide variety of people, I assist with in home support for the sick, elderly or disabled. Sometimes I meet people that completely break my heart. Seeing a family that is beautiful yet has been plagued with sickness reminds me that I've taken for granted the fact that I am healthy. The fact that I don't require any medication, have suffered no major illness. I met a family with smiles on their face regardless of all that they have to face, so what in this world could I possibly be upset over?

Life is a matter of moments but we cannot forget one another. I believe our attitudes matter in this life regardless of verbal interaction the essence of our spirit matters. I've heard that positivity is contagious and I hope and pray that by pushing myself to keep that positive spirit I may infect others! For me the primary source of that positivity and joy is linked with my faith, something I've built for myself and something that shows me daily that there is more to this life than what we see on the surface.

Life is beautiful and we've been given this gift of life... use it to the fullest!

New Brunswick Walk for Memories

2011-02-08T07:34:00.000-05:00

I'm walking for memories on May 29th. I'm walking and raising money for Alzheimer research because I've seen first hand what a therapeutic environment can give to someone with memory impairment. WIth continue research and continued funding I think we'll see major improvements in terms of the care our Dementia patients receive in nursing homes and hospitals. Please sponsor me and help me push forward with a cause I feel so passionate about.

Click the link below to make your donation:
New Brunswick Walk for Memories

Seventy times Seven

2011-01-23T07:41:00.003-05:00

I'm often in my head a lot, painting gives me a chance to get out of my head and onto canvas.When I think about how overwhelming life can be, I feel blessed to have an outlet. Most of my thoughts are linked strongly with theological concepts. Though I'm in a new place of re-discovery right now, faith has and always will be first and foremost in my life. I'm finding my own way, thinking about the basic precepts of faith and the all so scary word; Christianity. For most I can't even utter the word Christian without all kinds of negative reactions or the ever so popular eye roll, but for me being Christian is linked with purity of love. I don't stick to the legalistic nature of it all but rather I take the essence of the Christian message, the one we miss all too often.
When we look at the story of Jesus, if we remove all the negative connotations that history has attributed to it and just really look at the basics of the story ... it's about love and forgiveness. I tend to focus on the attitude of a historical figure I look up to. Yes, I said it. Jesus is not entirely mythical or theoretical but I do believe he was a historical figure.

Historical research suggests that Jesus came into an oppressive society governed by a strict system of purity laws. The priests and the temple were the center, and observant Jewish males were next out then observant Jewish women, with the deformed, sick and other outcasts on the edge. Foreigners had no place at all.
What was liberating about the historical Jesus was that he cut through all that, associating with prostitutes, having lunch with tax collectors, providing healing services to anyone(!) without a fee. He proclaimed a new way for society which he called "The Kingdom of God" which would be characterized by compassion rather than purity, guilt and obligation.

It's looking at the actions of Jesus regardless of one's ideas of what it all means and what is all true, it's looking at the character of such a person. Looking at moving away from guilty feelings and legalistic ways of living to this concept of love and forgiveness. It was thinking about this amazing idea of forgiveness that inspired me in my recent work. Thinking about the concept of forgiveness inside and outside of faith. It's never an easy thing, and the most difficult person to forgive is yourself. Why is that?

When thinking about forgiveness in faith I think about unconditional love, the type of true unconditional love that I believe our creator has for all of us no matter what we've done. I think of a creator that aches for the people who have done horrible things, the way a parent would ache after feeling they've raised a child as best they could only for them to go out and do terrible things in this world. When I think about forgiveness I think about a process of moving through a dark and difficult time into lightness. I don't think forgiveness means that others will change, but I feel it's something important in our own self. When we forgive anyone, the heaviness we've carried for them is lifted, it's a liberating experience. I think that's why I feel the concept of forgiveness is such a beautiful thing because of what it gives to the person who has finally let go.

Though I don't believe we should allow others to be a constant source of anguish in our lives, I do believe some of the messages in the bible to have great truth to them; "At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?" Jesus, replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try Seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:20-21). I think in looking at that we can see the true extent of unconditional love and the beauty of how difficult forgiveness can be.

As always, there is a lot more I could say but I'll keep it at that.
My goal for January is to blog at least every Sunday, as it truly is my church.
And I love hearing others thoughts and insights so by all means share.

Peace.

The New Year

2011-01-02T10:14:00.000-05:00

2010 was a year of hopefulness, followed by major disappointment only to be followed by complete upset.

My wife and I were forced to leave our home in the land of Portland forced to choose a city in Canada and some how landed ourselves in Saint John.

We also welcomed in to our little furry family not one but two homeless pup`s who now have all the love and discipline they need to thrive. My love for the outdoors has been heightened by the presence of two pups and I really feel as though they`ve become an extreme source of joy in our life. It`s strange how much a pet can become part of your family.

Besides our major upsets, we found ourselves digging deeper and deeper to get ourselves through some extremely difficult times and as a result are all the stronger for it. We all know the cliche saying that God never gives you more than you can handle, I believe he brings you to the edge of that and shows you what you are capable of and then guides you back to the realm of cope able stress.

With any big change comes major adjustments and we are on the mend.

We look forward to 2011, a year when we can finally say we are planted firmly, both of us, in one location. A year when we can celebrate Jeannie`s acceptance into my home country, and feel a sense of permanence we haven`t been able to feel in any location since we started our journey together. We look forward to a year rooted in spirituality, maintaining our focus on what brought us together and what we believe keeps us strong. With all the talk about resolutions, we seek to maintain our priorities, God and family.

Wishing you all the best.

Love H.

Holiday thoughts (Geeze I move a lot).

2010-12-17T14:35:00.000-05:00

The Mundane

2010-12-07T09:04:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been taking a little break from church.
Before you gasp and kneel to pray for my soul, let me explain.

I feel as though with life, and with faith we get all too comfortable with the mundane, with the daily occurrences we become accustom to. My hope is that my faith and my life will not become something I do, something I move through on a daily basis, but rather something I truly live and love.

There is a quote I love that says, "Be in love with your life" by Kerouac. I think in taking those moments to maintain an awareness of little actions, of precious moments and of the simple reasons why we attend certain events, why we maintain certain memberships we come back to the root of the priorities in our life.

I hope to do more than just maintain a presence in a church but rather truly be a member of something I believe in. I want to do more than sing and pray but rather live for the God I sincerely believe in.

During this break, I'm searching to find that constant source of truth and hold on to it rather than allowing myself to lie in the comforts of habit. With that said, what are you reading lately? I'm looking for something insightful and fresh to wrap my mind around.

And in other news, I'm officially a freelance writer and starting out small and slowly actually getting paid to do something I absolutely love to do.... write. I've been painting more too and will update my recent work on the side bar here so I can share with you my latest piece.

Hope everyone is enjoying the first real snow fall of the season.

Call it what you will.

2010-11-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking lately, which is nothing new ...
anyone who knows me well has an idea of how nutty my mind is.

But lately I've been thinking about labels, and why we bother?

Why do I have to fight to still state my claim as a Christian? Why do I have to state it at all?
And the whole, you know, gay thing. Why do I have to state it, label it, name it?
When you think about it, the labels might seem as though they are for other people, but I suppose they are just as much for myself.

Don't get my wrong, I'm proud of both, being Christian and being Gay.

But... I wonder why it's nearly impossible to just say I love God and I'm a person?

Androgyny

2010-09-19T12:54:00.000-04:00

Something interesting that I've been listening to a lot via youtube (aka my best friend while Jeannie is gone) is Pansexuality. I know often when Jeannie and I are in conversations with other people they have the tendency to get confused. For me it's "simple" I feel as though I was born gay, and that I enjoy and adore the company of men but I could never truly love a man in a romantic sense. Jeannie always explains the opposite, that she could love anyone. This confuses some people, especially those who just believe that you have to be one or another and for Jeannie it was always a cop out to pick a title and just say that she was bisexual.

To be a pan sexual means that you are in a sense, "gender-blind" and that you; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others". It's interesting to think about, something I think that just expresses some people's capacity to love others freely, beyond labels etc. And exactly how Jeannie has always explained in terms of her own expression but we just didn't always know there was a term for it.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about is androgyny and this whole concept of masculinity and femininity. I think as I age I feel more and more comfortable in my own skin. I think sometimes we fear this idea of a woman being more "masculine" as though it's a negative thing. But I truly feel I'm somewhere in between, I feel androgyny is me in terms of how I act, how I dress and where I feel more comfortable. Again I think we too often try and squeeze people into the labels we are comfortable with. I know a few major things in regards to my gender and how I express myself....
I am very proud to be a woman.
I feel incredibly uncomfortable in feminine clothing.
I'm not built to wear men's clothing.
I feel as though sometimes my brain is more masculine than feminine in terms of how I relate to people.
I don't think I will ever wear a dress again (unless it's a must for the sake o a best friends wedding).

It's taken a long time to really figure myself out!

Again the danger is even with having a category for the "in between" causes the same issues of placing someone in a category and the rigid lines that it causes. I think this video really expresses some interesting attributes regarding androgyny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBCMKmCn0g4

I think if we allow ourselves to look beyond gender then we really start to see the person beyond our expectations. Not easy, I know as we truly are formed by the society around us and for those who decide to think differently from the masses it's a constant fight. I think there is beauty in seeing people for people, and keeping it that simple .. that regardless of expression, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion... that we are all still just people.

Life as a story..

2010-09-18T10:24:00.000-04:00

"I will tell some stories.

Storytelling is the best way I know to make my witness – then to release forgiveness from the confines of theology and dogma and academia, and also from the tyranny of fear – then examine it for myself, then share the journey with ordinary people: all of us, as we are, naked and waiting."

– Patricia Raybon

Some days it's hard to feel motivated or passionate enough about life to share experiences, stories, journeys... but we all have them ... we all live a journey from day to day. I see faith as a beautiful journey, it brings about an essence in life that I can't live without. I see faith as a friendship, as a companion and as a means of getting through each day. I feel as though my faith ... is my story to tell.

I still wonder what it means to have God speak to me. Is his voice as quiet as I have experienced it to be? In the wind, rustling leaves... or is there more to it? Am I still waiting to really hear God's voice... I wonder.

Those are my thoughts for today.

Persons Matter

2010-09-14T17:00:00.002-04:00

I had the absolute privilege of being a guest speaker at the China Cup Tea seniors group this afternoon.
I'm so aware, yet constantly amazed by what brilliance comes from the mouth's of seniors when you really listen. I shared my "expertise" regarding home support work, encouraging seniors to seek support because support is available to them. All too often we misinform our seniors, partly because of the way we communicate now, through websites and e-mails... the majority of our seniors are missing the messages.

I was approached after my speech by a 92 year old retired minister, turns out the world is a small place and he served in a congregation for 46 years ... 10 minutes from where I grew up. During my speech I focused more on what really matters, beyond the business aspect, but people. I expressed to them my passion has always been ... people. So when the retired minister and I sat down for some one on one time, he expressed to me why he had the same passion for people. He shared with me his moment when he felt called to ministry. He said he had a vision, God showed him the tablet of his mind and written on that tablet was something so simple, it said "persons matter". And in that moment he felt called to live a life that focused on that very simple but ever so important truth. He then turned to me and asked where my passion for people came from... I very simply stated... I was raised that way. The older I get and the older my parents get ... the more I see what an amazing example they have been throughout my life. I see that what I am is mostly because they instilled a passion for people in me. They have always shown me what it is to truly care about others.

It's amazing how someone can share a story with you and have no idea of how it affects you, and how one simple story can really become an important truth in your own life. Simple as it may be, this man knows the essence of what life is about ... that people matter.

Hold on to that and I really believe we can conquer anything.

2010-09-09T14:23:00.001-04:00

I'm contemplating the pace of life.
Thinking about the things that make us feel frantic, the things we miss when we rush.
Also thinking about the things that really cause us to slow down.
It's amazing how life can feel so different from one day to the next, how you can look back and remember how you felt at certain moments and the expectations you had.
It's funny how a familiar scent or sound can bring me back to very specific moments.
I think it's when I'm brought back, that I really realize the importance of slowing down the pace.

I want to enjoy life without distractions that make enjoyment difficult, but let's face it... our lives are riddled with unpleasant distractions.
My hope is that in those distractions we can find the time to remind ourselves of all those moment's that bring us back in to that mindfulness of things that are worth our time, things that are worthy of the best we have to offer in life.

I'm also constantly reminded of the things that bring joy, the things that really matter.
My philosophy is to always live with as much simplicity as I can, trying to focus on quality of things in my life that mean alot rather than filling my life with quantities of things that I can really do without.

I'm thinking about all of this because life is a little crazy and frantic at work, and my thoughts and heart has felt a little frantic for things back home. But in those moment's I find the true necessity of prayer, it's the only true thing that calms me. In thinking about what matters I truly to recognize the value of prayer and what it does in my life. Regardless of all the theological insights I may have into God and our interactions with the almighty one thing I know for sure is that a prayer really soothes me.

How are all of you? Frantic? Relaxed? Maybe it's the issue of the season change, saying good bye to summer and bringing in all that Spring has for us. I'm looking forward to how beautiful New Brunswick will be this fall. Thinking of you all.

Ain't no grave...

2010-08-18T19:51:00.000-04:00

I lived through loosing marriage equality in Maine, and I often think back to what that moment felt like. I often remember the hope that Jeannie and I had for equal rights in a State she calls home and a place I fell in love with. Many times over the journey it took to get as close to legalizing marriage as we were, the local LGBT community would gather together. This is one of those such events and the lyrics of this song are so beautiful. When I think of the lyrics "Ain't no grave can hold my body down" I think about life in an eternal sense and thinking beyond the here and now and the type of perspective that gives to life's experiences.

Sung by a local Portland, Maine artist Venessa Torrres, enjoy:

Joy.

2010-08-14T15:31:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this idea of true joy, it's something we all hope to have engulf our lives but the truth is we have many moments where joy seems no where to be found. When I think about my life and my faith I wonder what the point would be if they didn't coincide with this notion of joy. If my life and my faith didn't bring about this in my life what would be the point? When I think about what my faith means to me, I feel joyful. Even when I feel confused or frustrated about some aspect of what I believe; it is still riddled with joy. When I think about my life, my marriage and the future... I feel extreme joy. When I think about my family and my true friends ... I feel joy.

Makes me wonder why I should have anything in my life that doesn't evoke such a feeling. In the same sense if my actions don't cause joy in the lives of others than what kind of message am I sending out in this crazy world?

I try and remind myself that I am not living for myself, but I live for God and I live for the joy of the people in my life who I love. I feel for me living a faith focused life is living a life focused on a genuine love for others. Sometimes this can be painful, sometimes loving others doesn't result in warm fuzzy feelings. I get hurt often, but I feel as though the role models in my life who I see truly giving out a selfless kind of love for others do so without holding back even with the awareness of the hurt that can occur from loving others. If I start to hold back because of heart ache then again I feel I'm loosing the point.

I suppose lately I feel incredibly alive. I feel incredibly blessed.... I feel genuinely happy.
Life is crazy, full of up's and downs but I feel like going through the extreme down parts bring you out with a new perspective and a new thankfulness for all the good that you have around you.
Don't forget to be thankful... don't forget to love .... and most importantly don't forget to live.... to really live.

Pride.

2010-08-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

I love summer, with summer comes pride festivals. I'm in another part of North America again, and celebrated my first Fredericton Pride and the first ever pride parade there actually. It had me thinking about all the pride parades Jeannie and I have shared together.

I remember our first year out of bible college, we moved to Toronto, Ontario and our first pride parade there was absolutely terrifying ha. We were really clueless about what a pride parade even was. I cried, because it felt amazing to see banks and the mayor on our side. I also wasn't too keen on all the nudity and what that really had to do with pride but .. it was an experience regardless. We then enjoyed the next three pride parades in Portland, Maine. Such an amazing city, and a place where I really felt comfortable being just that, proud. Through my university experience and personal experience in the city I feel as though I really grew as an individual in faith and in my sexuality.

And now we live in New Brunswick, we celebrated Fredericton pride last weekend and I will be celebrating Saint John pride this weekend. Though New Brunswick doesn't feel like home yet, and I don't feel as comfortable in my own skin here... I know that this wont take anything away from that feeling I've built over the years. That feeling of truly being proud not only of who I am but who I've become despite how people may have tried to push me down over the years.

I suppose during this time I really think about what other aspects of my life I'm proud of... it's pretty amazing to actually take the time and think about such things. So what about you... what are you proud of?

Flying solo.

2010-07-21T17:03:00.001-04:00

It's strange what happens when you are alone in a strange city.
It hasn't been easy, Jeannie has been gone for over 20 days now and I feel like this time has done a few major things in my life. It's shown me the people in my life who truly love me. It's been amazing the kind of support my family gives me, they'd sit up with me all night on webcam just to make me feel less alone.

I feel like being "alone" really shows you where you can lean and teaches you alot about yourself. I've started to really go back to things that I really really love.... painting.... God..... writing..... hiking.... things I don't always take the time to do. Sometimes we focus so much on other people, it's easy to forget about those things you do truly love.

In my loneliness has also come frustration, wondering where everyone is. All the people in my life, wondering why we don't stop and take time to talk with one another more often. Wondering why we perhaps don't even stop to think about one another much anymore. I really don't think we as a species care about each other the way we should. I don't think we know how to really care for one another. I blame that one society, there isn't enough time. We are consumed with so so many things that we end up missing or even forgetting about those people in our life that really matter.

This has also got me thinking about plans, and plans I had for this point in my life. Things I thought would or could happen. Things that have been put on hold. Makes me realize yet again that I really have no control over the "plans" for my life. Again I struggle with faith and really letting go and believing and trusting in God but I know that ultimately He is the only one who truly knows these said "plans". I really do find comfort in that because when I try and have it all figured out I find nothing but disappointment.

Something cool I want to check out:

If there was no gray....

2010-07-18T15:48:00.003-04:00

Bruce Combs

If everything was black and white....
I'd find it really difficult to live in faith.
If I had to state one or the other in terms of theological beliefs, I'd really struggle with any belief at all.

I am a fence sitter, I'm neither in the realm of black or white.... I live in the realm of gray. I believe in a mix of theological insights... I see a world where we can share with one another ... in a space where we can learn from one another.

I can't agree wholeheartedly with anyone, because I believe in the uniqueness of faith. My journey, my faith ... is something I believe to be tailored to my spirit. But for me that is how I see faith, a separate, individual happening that may dance with other versions of faith but will always remain as something completely mine.

If everything were black and white, I'd see not challenge, no notion of discovery.
It is in the gray that I believe I find myself with God.

Artistic inspiration through the Psalms.

2010-07-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

I have a goal to build on my body of art work and to start an Etsy account. Part of my inspiration lately has been the Psalms, reading through the descriptions of God, Earth and human emotion.

Every time I struggle or question to almost an unhealthy point, I come back to the Psalms and though it's not the easiest expression of God I find it brings me back. In the Psalms I find the beauty and artistic foundations of what really appeals to me regarding faith and belief in God. This is how God speaks to me.

As I move through the Psalms I also feel enlightened in my art work. Though not every piece that comes out of me is a true work of art, I believe it chronicles my journey in faith.

I think in times of struggle if we all come back to the root of faith that really speaks to our own individual journey with God, that we will find peace again.

Another good read:

A good read.

2010-07-10T12:41:00.001-04:00

I'm looking to buy this:
The Rage Against God: How Atheism Led Me to Faith

I heard the Author speak about his journey from Atheism to faith on CBC 1 talk radio at the office the other day... there is something fascinating to me about people who move through atheism into faith.

I hope to pick this up soon and plan to share my journey through reading it!

Scriptures.

2010-07-10T07:27:00.004-04:00

I have a desire to read the bible, but the bible and I have a love hate relationship. Some people look at the bible and see a "nice story", some look at it and see nothing but garbage. On the other side of things some people look at it and take it as being God breathed, some even go so far as to state that they take the bible literally (impossible, I think). For me, I'm somewhere in between a few thoughts. I believe that Jesus presented himself to humankind so that we would share his story throughout history. My issue is that sometimes when I read through the bible I think of all the human's who had a hand in it's creation. I do believe it is God inspired but as it's been translated and as it was even written down by scribes in it's original form, I wonder how much truth we've lost along the way.

Again it all depends on my mood, sometimes I believe the bible is only a shell of the real story that God wanted to present to us. Yes, I believe there are some truth's but I also believe the hand of man played an intrical part in the bible coming to existance. I wish I could believe straight out that it was God brethed and that there was no straying from that but my head wont allow it.

That being said, if we look at the basic truth's of the bible, the focal points of Jesus ministry, I really see some beauty in scripture. I think our danger is in thinking more towards a literal understanding. It'd be naive to think that if God shared stories about our human characteristics, that as oral histories were told there was no deviation or exaggeration from literal happenings.

I love faith, and I love God and I"m not saying this is truth I just feel as though it's hard for me to believe in a lot of the principles I was taught at bible college regarding scripture. I know sometimes my intellect get's the best of me and makes it hard to believe in the "magic" that is faith. But I haven't given up on scriptures and I'm constantly searching for my truth as God is willing to speak to me through all this.

All I keep saying to myself is "be patient"...

Debate.

2010-06-15T20:42:00.004-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about time.

I think about how little time there is in a day... and how much time I feel I could use. My new job is amazing... a huge blessing. But, I find I never have enough time. I think about time often, about how to make the most of my time. I'm always wanting to spend quality time with my family, the people I love most in my life. I love coming home to my wife and pup.

Then I think about how we waste time. I think about this idea of debate. I was thinking about this at church on Sunday. I attend a progressive, liberal christian church. We oppose a lot of fundamentalist views. Oppose is one thing, but to put that in to action and debate what we in our personal walks oppose seems like a waste of time. This concept of debating faith, a personal intimate journey... when you think about it ... doesn't it sound rather silly? I know that debate can some times spark progression and that we really can learn from others with differing views but specifically in the realm of faith ... I really wonder why we even bother. Find your fit, live your faith ... and move through your journey with God... but lets leave debate on the side and focus on the things that God intended for us to focus on ... love.

New Surroundings

2010-05-21T07:20:00.004-04:00

I'm in a city I don't know ..... with nothing but a pup and two cats.....
but yet I'm not alone...... which has shown me how incredibly lucky I am.
I've an outpouring of viedo chats, msn chats, phone calls..... I have surrounded myself with the absolute best kind of people there is. I am so... so.... thankful.

There is a church here that seems promising and I can't wait to go on Sunday.
God has been amazing, as always.... and even in my biggest stressful moments he shows me that my life is great... and that I'm taken care of.

I came back in my apartment the other day, to find the power was off. I'm in a city alone, I have no idea how to get anywhere..... my phone is off because the power died. I freak out, because this is my initial reaction to most things these days.... the move has taken a lot out of my ability to reason through stressful situations. To make a long story short ... I finally made it to Saint John Energy, and as I'm paying the money to get my power officially set up... I hear the woman beside me... transferring her bill over into her name because her sister had passed away. My life is not bad... my stress is nothing comparatively. And God keeps reminding me of this.

I wish life was "easier" sometimes, when things get tough. But the truth is.... no one said life was going to be easy. God never promised us this.... He did say he'd never give us more than we can handle, but God knows a secret we don't.... that we really can handle a lot!! I need to keep reminding myself of this as well because this mountain of patience I used to have... has really diminished .... and I"m hoping God will help me get it back.

My beautiful wife will be here with me again in 10 sleeps.... being away also always makes me realize how incredibly blessed I am to have found her! It's also made us both realize that we are home to each other... I think that's pretty amazing. And my rock star parents will be arriving shortly after her.... I really can't think of two more amazing people.... I seriously have the coolest parents.... the kind of parents that will sit with me online for hours just so I wont feel lonely.

I write all this as an open thank-you to God..... because I really have been blessed... over.... and over.... and over again.

Thank-YOU.

Worry.

2010-04-18T10:16:00.007-04:00

I'm human, I worry.
I pine over details that I have no control over.
I dream about things I hope will happen.

God created human characteristics, we were created with the ability to worry.
I believe it is in the pain and uneasiness of worry that we realize how calming faith can truly be. It's only when I remind myself, almost on a daily basis, that worry is a waste and that God has control that I feel a sense of calm. I have to remind myself of this daily, because it is in me, it is part of who I am to worry. It's hard to trust something outside of yourself. But when you think about it, doesn't it make the most sense to trust something above and beyond the tiny details?

I believe it is in worry also that we feel most alone. Truth is we are never alone, we are always with God. Beyond that we are always with our loved one's. I've seen that through and through.... I have my life partner, my best friend.... and my beloved family, my folks and brother, and my in-laws. Worry has no power over me... because I am part of a team!

I need to hold on to what matters, trusting everything will work itself out in the end. Jeannie read me this quote this morning...

"We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good, bot because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give to others." -Thomas Merton

In the grand scheme of things, my worry and the things that are consuming me recently... are minuscule and of little importance when I consider what God wants of me in this life.... to love others... with a whole heart... not a partial heart overcome by worry.

Live for now.

2010-03-07T20:10:00.004-05:00

"The sun hears the field talking about effort
and the sun
smiles,

and whispers to me,

"Why don't the fields just rest, for
I am willing to do everything

to help them
grow?"

Rest, my dears, in
prayer." - St. Catherine of Sienna

My struggle recently; living in the moment. I worry; I fear and I don't trust as much as I want to. It's the human condition, though I know I'm always taken care of and that God has yet to leave me when I need him, I still struggle to let go and trust.

That's why I like this poem so much; it's like God is always wondering "why the fields don't rest"; why we don't rest. All I need to do is rest in prayer, to really sit in the calm and quiet and really pray genuine words to God. I constantly forget that the rest is entirely out of my hands.

I read Psalm 34 today, the Psalm of the New Birth. It's a Psalm written to celebrate David's escape from a king he thought would kill Him. "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) I think what this Psalm expresses also is that though we may not realize it, our fears and anxiety stem from our ability to often forget what God has done for us in the past. I find moments where I struggle with just living in the present I need to remind myself of everything God has already done for me and trust that once again He will take care of Jeannie and I.

For now I will try to rest in prayer, and am open to whatever the next few month bring.

Live the questions now.

2010-02-15T09:16:00.003-05:00

I admit... there is something about church that bothers me. Something about the structure of it that just doesn't sit right with me. But when I stop over thinking I actually do end up enjoying the experience. Jeannie and I went to our church yesterday, a beautiful day off. As I open my hymnal to sing my eyes wandered to the bottom of the page where I read this:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves... Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer. - Rainer Maria Rilke

This spoke to me so intensely and really does put at ease the ways I panic in my thoughts of God and spirituality. I'm constantly questioning and thinking, to the point where it is hard to just sit and enjoy the greatness of God. Something I hope to do more of, simply enjoy. Though I struggle with the big things, I struggle with getting logic mixed up with my thoughts about miracles I am reminded that I need to go back to the basics. I need to focus on what I feel solid about, that God is a beautiful creator and that God is great. Two simple attributes that I know for certain I believe.

Something else that hit me on Sunday was that I should live my faith conspicuously. For anyone who knows me well they know just how important faith is in my daily life and in my marriage. But to truly live my faith conspicuously I hope that others who don't know me well would recognize the same.

As I look forward Jeannie and I have started talking about the season of Lent. As I think in my own personal life about simplicity and why society makes this so difficult I look forward to our Lenten promise. Jeannie and I will not buy a single thing for ourselves (besides necessities like, gas, groceries) over the Lenten season this year. Instead we hope to focus on blessing others in small ways and just focusing on other things, the more important things in life.

Part 2: The Elephant in the room

2010-01-27T09:54:00.002-05:00

I was quick to realize how unique I was when I arrived at Bethany. I was naive at this point thinking that Christianity was linked directly to the beauty that I had found in God. Christianity in many ways was ugly and far from what I knew of God. During my first semester at Bethany, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn’t understand why Christians acted as though they were above “society” and it really confused me why they talked often about staying separate from “the world”. Everything I learned in those first six months was contradictory to everything that brought me to be passionate about God in the first place. I made some amazing friends, though I was very aware that those friendships were completely surface level for the most part. No one I had become close with had any true understanding of who I really was. During these first six months I also drew the interest of a boy at school. To be respectful I won’t share much of that experience. I thought that marrying a Pastor would be the ultimate sacrifice in a way; I also thought it would make everyone else happy. During this time I had forgotten about what would make me happy though. Clearly I stepped away from that at some point and really wish that heartache could have been avoided.

It was my second semester during my first year at Bethany that my world was turned upside down. I was really sick at this point. I was suffering intensely with Bulimia which was my way of controlling all the things I felt I had no control over. This for me was the only way to feel anything raw and true in my life. God and I were arguing a lot at this point as well. I told my best friend I was sick that winter. Finally I was trying to move past this and find myself again.

I remember the first time I saw her, the first time I really saw her. People talk about love at first sight and they make movies about it but I honestly experienced it. I remember it perfectly. I walked into a birthday party on campus and there she was, curled up in a blanket wearing a winter hat. She wasn’t feeling well that night; just the sight of her made me nervous and made my heart pound. Clearly as I shared previously my brief run in with women at this point had not proven me to be very direct with my feelings when it came to dating. For whatever reason I had the courage to walk right up to this woman who I had never really spoken with and sit down. She was the only thing I paid any attention to that night. I honestly believe I fell in love with her right then and there.

What a predicament, I’m at a conservative bible college that actually had written in its handbook that homosexual activity is grounds for dismissal. Now if that’s not enough to instill fear in you, add to it that you have never come out to yourself and that you find yourself falling for this woman who you aren’t even sure could ever feel the same way about you. Just so happens that Jeannie’s roommate opened a door for me shortly after that birthday party. She posted an msn message that her roommate was sick and needed visitors. Again for whatever reason I jumped on this and showed up at her apartment. From that moment on we really were inseparable. We connected instantly talking about our lives back home, our passion for God and our hopes for our ministry in the future.

It wasn’t long before I opened up to Jeannie about my eating disorder. Her love for me as a friend at this point spoke volumes to me. She didn’t treat me any differently she was straight forward with me and really sought prayer and faith as the only means to get through this. During this time we both weren’t sleepers and it wasn’t long before Jeannie was sneaking across campus after hours to spend the night with me in my cramped bottom bunk with my snoring roommate sleeping up above. We would stay up all night, literally all night, talking. She shared everything with me; her life was amazing to me. Not only her life but her faith. We became best friends, I know at this point Jeannie loved me as her friend and I continued to hide that in my heart I hoped that she could be the one I spend the rest of my life with.

Things were so innocent with us. Things started out so slowly and they were terrifying. It’s hard with girls; I mean I grew up seeing girls touch and hug all the time. It was different with her, for me. In the beginning she wasn’t aware of this so it made it all that much more difficult for me. I wanted to be near her and I wanted to hold her hand. I was a coward for months. We were spending the night with one another every night during the middle of the semester. Like friends do, we were having a really emotional conversation about hardships we’ve gone through. In her own loving way, she was comforting me and kissed me on the cheek. This was the moment things really changed for us. I turned my head, though we still argue about the intentions of that to this day, of whether I knew she was going in to kiss my cheek or not, this was our first kiss. This was the first time I had ever kissed a woman. In the dark that night we both silently freaked out and said nothing. Yep, absolutely nothing and went to sleep as if it never happened.

Following this I honestly felt as though I was going to lose my mind. For the first time, I told my best friends back home what was happening. It finally became real to me, I was in love with a woman who I wasn’t even sure would ever allow herself to love me back. My friends voiced their concerns, worried that I would not only face heartache but that I would be asked to leave the school and faced with no choice but to come out to my parents before I was ready and put in a situation that would be far more difficult than anything I was ready for at this point. I just wasn’t ready to present something so huge and so life changing to everyone around me.

The summer away from Jeannie was difficult. I really couldn’t focus on anything else, I felt incredibly alone that summer as well. I spent every free moment on the phone with her building up the most amazing friendship. A friend had given me a discounted plane ticket and though no one understood I wanted to fly out to Maine to be with her. That trip was the most difficult. It was clear during this time that what we had was more than what close friends share, it was also clear that it was something that we had to keep hidden.

The next few months were the most confusing of my life. I flip flopped from coming to terms with my sexuality and to going back in the closet. I actually told my friends that I was just going to live the “single life” and just stay alone for the rest of my life. Loving someone... finally really loving someone felt almost too hard at this point. I was coming out of my struggle with bulimia. I was starting to feel stronger on my own. Though my dream was not only to be with Jeannie, to be able to call her my girlfriend but I started having dreams of calling her my wife. An absurd thought I had never even thought possible, but it was something I couldn’t stop thinking about. It was also during this time when I became the most certain that God was on my side regardless of the things I heard or read.

I can’t even put in to words how difficult it is to have found the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced and have to hide it from everyone, absolutely everyone. Thank goodness I had a few close friends who I could chat with from afar. Jeannie grew up with these views that homosexuality was a sin. For me, I never had that indoctrinated in me. I was never inclined to think of being gay as sinful. I was very aware that many people had negative views of the “gay lifestyle”. But for me to attribute one’s sexuality with sin made no sense. We moved through Jeannie’s confusion, I gave her time and patience because the thought of not being with her was far too difficult to come to terms with. One day she would push away from me completely because being together just couldn’t be possible. Some nights we would be talking and I would just stay crying, I couldn’t explain it to her and so we would sit in silence. This went back and forth for while until I decided that I couldn’t handle it anymore. This was too much for me to be certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn’t sure if she thinks our life together would be consider sin or not.

A friend of mine passed away and another close friend of mine had bought me a plan ticket to go home. During this time Jeannie and I had been arguing, I was pushing her away to protect myself. I think for the first time she finally felt what it could be like to not have me in her life. Leaving for the airport that day was extremely painful for her and it was the first time that I felt as though she was trying to tell me she felt the same way. During my brief visit home I had some intense conversations with my friends and this gave me the courage to have “the talk” with Jeannie. It was all or nothing. I couldn’t try and move on and be proud of who I am to really embrace this time of self discovery with someone who wasn’t sure if it all fit in line with her moral convictions. Our conversations while I was away involved our first talk of really being a couple. And though I was filled with extreme excitement part of me still feared that she wasn’t certain.

I flew back to Bible College, and was greeted at the airport by Jeannie and some other classmates. We assumed the best friend role as we had done so well over the past months. I remember vividly that we made a stop at the bank, our friends parked around the back of the bank and as soon as we turned the corner, she kissed me. Right out in public she kissed me and looked me in the eye and really let me know that what she said during my time back home was genuine. Not only that she gave me something for the first time, she gave me real life and a relationship outside of a dorm room. She showed me that once we got out of that college our life would be beautiful. That moment was fleeting because we were at Bible College so we had to resume our hidden life for the next six months. We had made a pact that we would follow one another. Jeannie had one last term to complete, an internship off campus and I wanted to go with her and work while she finished that. She found a place in Toronto that was looking for an intern. Thinking about starting our life in Toronto is the only thing that got us through the next six months.

During that time at college, we both began to challenge things in our classes. I spoke up a bit more about some of the interpretations my professors were making about scripture that they presented as truth. I started to understand far more that scripture is completely open for interpretation and that I can’t let anyone dictate that interpretation for me. During this time I let my own dreams of ministry fall, I realized that what I thought I wanted could never be. I wasn’t aware at this point that any ministry would accept an openly gay woman. During this time I also struggled with wanting to open up to my parents but being afraid of how it might hurt them. I never doubted their amazing love for me; I just knew that if it was this difficult for me to come to terms with all of this I could only imagine what it would be like for the two people who have been by my side my entire life.

Leaving Bethany for me was the moment when I promised I would be proud of who I am. You always hear the saying “coming out of the closet” but for Jeannie and I it really was about leaving that dorm room and entering the world, together. We moved forward with a mission to really stand up for our own interpretations, that homosexuality and sin do not go hand in hand and that the LGBT community should never feel as though Christianity is against them. For all the struggle that comes with coming out, the end of the journey proves to give you more strength than you thought you had; not only for you but everyone around you that loves you.

Part 1 - When did you know?

2010-01-26T13:55:00.001-05:00

I decided to write out "my story", what brought me to where I am and the journey not only of coming out but of holding on to a faith that everyone told me was contradictory to my "lifestyle". Though it's more personal than I usually am on my blog, I know that times before when I've shared my story it's helped others. I'm hoping that's the case again.

People always ask, "when did you know". The question most LGBT individuals are asked, over and over again. For me my answer is a bit of a blur. Growing up all I knew was that there was something incredibly different about me; something that I couldn’t name but also something that I wasn't sure I liked about myself. I remember watching shows like Dawson's Creek in my early teens and feeling angry at myself. I could not fully comprehend it or put my thoughts in order. It was something about the way I looked at Katie Holmes that frustrated and scared me. I fully realized what that was while I was watching Batman Returns. I believe I was about 13 at the time. This was the Batman movie where Michelle Pfeiffer played cat woman. I finally realized, though I wasn't a fan of Batman, I had a realization that I was attracted to cat woman. Okay so that might sound funny, but this was one of the most terrifying realizations of my life. I still couldn't name that I was a lesbian and I was unsure if this was normal for all woman and that it wasn't just something that was unspoken. I thought perhaps it's just that I think she's beautiful and that's that. But as I grew up I knew more and more and buried deeper and deeper that it was far more than that for me.

I tried to play cover up with guys in high school. I dated guys that I enjoyed hanging out with but it took so much energy and acting to really play the part of girlfriend. I felt genuine love for some of the guys I dated though it was always a friendship kind of love to me. I clung tightly for my closest girl friends because it was with them where I felt safe and comfortable. Having them around also made it easy to steer clear of too much alone time with the guys I was dating at the time. In all honestly I really made a valiant effort at being straight, though not only was I aware at how awkward that was, the guys I dated were very aware as well!

In my first year of university, I finally gave up "acting". I decided that staying single was the safest way to steer clear of this terrifying part of me that I still wasn't ready to name. I had suffered some intense losses in high school and in my first year of university I was still dealing with the latest loss, one of my closest childhood friends. My two closest friends attended the same university as me during that first year. I was really battling with myself; I alienated myself even from them for the first few months. I started really feeling like no one could possibly love this part of me that I was having trouble understanding. I started to actually feel crushes on girls during my first year. There was a girl in one of my classes who I vividly remember. She was open about being a lesbian and I used to wait outside class until I saw where she sat. I would purposely sit beside her. It was more than just wanting to sit beside her because I had this silly little crush, I think part of me wanted to observe what it was like for her to live this life that seemed so out of reach for me. I would also like to add that I only ever said hello to her and I believe even then my face would turn red. Suave, I know.

Something that may seem strange happened to me during this time. I felt alone, I had alienated myself from some of the people I cherish most in the world and I needed something. I started diving into Christianity. Seems like a really terrible idea right? A closeted lesbian seeking out Christianity. Though it truly didn't make things any easier for me, this was what I needed in my life. I needed God and I needed to feel that something greater than myself was taking care of me during those quiet moments where I was the most uncertain about myself. I started to love myself again even though I continued to push these thoughts and feelings about myself aside.

During my second year of university, I moved in with my best friends. I came back after a summer away working at a Jewish summer camp. Again, seems random but it was the best thing for me. I met one of the best friends I've ever known and she showed me Christianity in a new light. She showed me Christianity in 3D rather than the jumble of stories in the bible I was reading. Back in London at university I also became close with a friend I met on the bus to church. Something clicked in me when I met her; I knew that for whatever reason God made things align so that we would meet. I continued on with my studies but felt so distracted, and in all honesty God was my distraction. I fell in love with a girl for the first time during this year, though I never told her and never admitted it to anyone, not even myself at the time. I finally knew what it was like to really fall in love. Thank goodness I was smart enough to keep it to myself because I was nowhere near ready for anything at this point in my life. I could have also truly destroyed one of the most amazing friendships I've ever had.

After only one year of living with my two best friends- something we talked/dreamed about all through high school- I felt called to move away and attend Bible College. This seemed like the craziest idea to everyone who loved me, but I cannot explain how certain I was that not only did I need to go to Bible College, but I was called to attend Bethany Bible College in cow town Sussex, New Brunswick. This was what God wanted from me; though I had no true clear understanding of why this was my focus and I had tunnel vision. The year before heading off to Sussex was really a time of growing in my faith. I finally had found something that I believed in so strongly that I was ready to leave all sense of comfort to follow it. During this time I also became very close to some very intricate people in my life. My church bus friend actually came out to me during this time. This sparked even more curiosity in me about my own sexuality. Though I never came out and told her, I would mention my curiosities over my own first love. I think she sparked just enough conversation and curiosity in me that I started to understand myself more at this point in my life than I ever had before.

The summer was a blur, God was my focus, faith was the most important thing in my life and that was all I concentrated on, leaving all other thoughts to the side hidden, buried even. Though I felt a lot of joy at this point in my life, hiding such a huge part of me truly began to manifest itself in other ways, unhealthy ways. I started struggling with an eating disorder even before I arrived in Sussex something that would escalate the more I tried to run from myself.

Reconciling in Christ [RIC]: integrating sexuality and spirituality, justice and mercy.

2010-01-24T06:58:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine sent me this e-mail about an organization called Reconciling in Christ. I wondered, as you likely are, what it was all about. It's just another affirmation that society is realizing that the LGBT community should no longer be alienated and deprived basic human rights such as the right to marry or even the right to attend worship in some instances. I wanted to share the e-mail I received because I think it really speaks to everyone about the potential for people to finally open their eyes and hearts to see more than what they once labeled sin.

Dear Members of St. Ansgar:

St. Ansgar has a long history of coming together and embracing differences in order to serve God to the best of our ability. This can be seen when we look at the Swedes and Danes joining to worship as one, our congregation's embracing the baptism of a baby when other congregations declined, our unanimous calling of Pastor Bill, our healthy and regular offerings to Project Feed and our open and friendly hearts at worship every Sunday. In this history of being open and affirming, at February's annual meeting, the church council will be recommending that we vote to become a Reconciling in Christ (RIC) congregation and to adopt the below affirmation of welcome.

As an overview, in 1984 the RIC program was started to recognize Lutheran congregations that welcome lesbian and gay believers, and the RIC program was clarified to include believers of all sexual orientations and gender identities in 2002. The RIC program does not seek any special treatment for gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered people. The RIC program simply acknowledges that voices of fear, ignorance and judgment are a part of the public discussion of human sexuality issues in our society. As a result, it is assumed by most gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people that they are not welcome in any church unless told otherwise. Therefore, a general statement of welcome is heard as really meaning "everybody but me," and it takes a special effort to communicate the same welcome to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. The RIC program seeks to make clearer the policy of churches where all people are welcome as full members regardless of their gender identity or orientation or that of their children, siblings or friends.

In our own state, last November's failure of the marriage equality vote may have served to further alienate gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people from the church and the Gospel. Our airways were filled with Christians' voices that told us that gay and lesbian people are not equal in God's eyes. No matter how we voted last November, becoming a RIC congregation and adopting the below affirmation of welcome can make it clear to our potential worshiping community that all are welcome to share the joy of the Gospel at St. Ansgar regardless of their gender identity or orientation.

Finally, some Lutheran churches in Maine are currently struggling with the national synod's vote regarding the calling of openly gay or lesbian pastors. Unfortunately there is debate in some churches that may be further alienating gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people and their families and friends. St. Ansgar can take a step to mediate this alienation through our willingness to step forward amongst this struggle and publically affirm that we care for and
welcome all of God's people.

Therefore, council requests that you thoughtfully consider voting to become a RIC congregation and to adopt the following affirmation of
welcome:

Affirmation of Welcome
As a community of the people of God, we are called to minister to all people in our world, knowing that the world is often an unloving place. Our world is a place of alienation and brokenness. Christ calls us to reconciliation and wholeness. We are challenged by the Gospel to
be agents of healing within our society.

We affirm with the apostle Paul that in Christ "there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female" (Galatians 3:28). Christ has made us one. We acknowledge this reconciliation extends to people of all sexual orientations and gender
identities.

Because gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons and their families are often scorned by society and alienated from the Church, we wish to make known our caring and concern. It is for this purpose that we affirm the following:
that people of all sexual orientations and gender identities share the worth that comes from being unique individuals created by God; that people of all sexual orientations and gender identities are welcome within the membership of this congregation upon making a common, public Affirmation of faith; and that as members of this congregation, people of all sexual
orientations and gender identities are expected and encouraged to share in the sacramental and general life of this congregation.

Please direct any questions to council members or please check-out the following web-site for additional information:
http://www.lcna.org/ric.shtm.

Pat Robertson; the world is responding.

2010-01-14T08:22:00.004-05:00

I walked up my stairs this morning after dropping my wife off at work ... and heard Pat Robertson's words on CNN. In shock I came to the computer to make sure my ears really heard what I thought they did. To hear it for yourself watch here:

It's so frustrating to hear things that Christians say and do sometimes that is so contrary to what God is about, makes me sink in my chair a little bit. There seems to be a lack of social education and a lack of comprehensive understanding of a vast array of things for any televangelist to spout such words of arrogance and borderline hatred. To use Haitian folklore and take that to use this message of Haiti doing a deal with the devil and in turn sending this message that they had this coming.

I'm appalled. When horrific events unfold one's initial response should never be "you are cursed". How could anyone who claims there faith as the front runner in their life misunderstand how arrogant and hurtful those words can be, especially at such a fragile time. Honestly, Mr. Robertson you lack compassion of any sort.

In an attempt to calm my self down, I sought out some words of a Christian author that I respect, I recommend Reading his article here: A Response to Pat Robertson's Words About Haiti by Donald Miller

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

2010-01-12T09:26:00.006-05:00

I'm delving into two topics that I care deeply about, Christian values and Gay Marriage. Gay Marriage in California and that dreaded Proposition 8 that makes my skin crawl, has finally hit the federal courts! Finally recognition that this is a monumental issue and that we wont be silenced by having the majority vote on our minorities rights!

I'm praying and hopeful that regardless the outcome this is an expression that LGBT rights have gained credit as we continue onward. And California will hopefully set the precedence for the rest of the country. I read an article that brings together these ideas of what it means to be American, blending in Christian values and human rights...

"Legalizing same-sex marriage would also be a recognition of basic American principles, and would represent the culmination of our nation's commitment to equal rights. It is, some have said, the last major civil-rights milestone yet to be surpassed in our two-century struggle to attain the goals we set for this nation at its formation.

This bedrock American principle of equality is central to the political and legal convictions of Republicans, Democrats, liberals, and conservatives alike. The dream that became America began with the revolutionary concept expressed in the Declaration of Independence in words that are among the most noble and elegant ever written: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.""

For More please read the entire article: The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage

Rick Warren Pleads to Flock for Cash | News | Advocate.com

2010-01-03T12:49:00.002-05:00

Rick Warren Pleads to Flock for Cash | News | Advocate.com

I think sometimes the church needs to step back and look at what they are able to do, hopefully look first and foremost at what good they are able to provide to surrounding communities and various charities they are linked with. Sometimes I think especially the church just needs to realize they sometimes may have limits on this and not put there congregation out when most may be struggling as well. There are also cases where church members start to really believe that their pastor speaks for God and any plea for money or service is taken as literally a plea from God. All too often church members can become over involved and though there intent is good it's a fine line between helping the church and providing for one's family. I get an eerie feeling when I think about mega churches and though I know Rick Warren has done amazing work for Aids relief in other parts of the world, the church has also poured outlandish amounts of money for anti gay rights work. So I wonder truly where this huge deficit the church is facing now has come from. I also wonder how many families are struggling now because they believe they answered "the call" to help God's work. At the same time focus on the family has had to lay off massive numbers of employees (nearly 500 to date) and yet seeks to spend $4 million on a Superbowl ad. In it's own way has even the church fallen prey to consumerism? The bigger the better? When you think of it, when you think of what $4 million dollars could provide for families in third world countries rather than dumping it on a Superbowl ad to spread their own agenda. Again I believe it's a clear example of where Christians and Churches are missing the point. Rather than fighting in political realms and beating our chests over who is right or wrong in matters of abortion or homosexuality. Why can't we bring the focus back on loving one another and using such large sums of money to fix huge issues of homelessness that surrounds our cities or issues of poverty that run rampant all over the world. Why is it so easy to loose the true message of Christ? And we wonder why most people cannot even comprehend why anyone would want to call themselves a Christian or why I could ever say that Christianity in it's truest form CAN be relevant. It's because they are seeing what mega organizations like Saddleback Church and Focus on the Family are doing and are utterly confused by it all, as am I.

So this is Christmas....

2009-12-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

Another year is emerging before our eyes. Christmas flew by and New Years is just around the corner. This year was different for me.... it was the first year that I didn't spend with my parents and brother right around the holidays. It was also the first year that I worked straight through the holidays. In an email my father mentioned all the hype there is leading up to Christmas. There is so much hype, so much hustle and bustle to "spoil" one another . When it's all said and done though, what is it all for?

Lately I've been thinking about this hype to be "the most magical day of the year". Though the story of Christmas is magical. I'd like to think that the Christmas spirit could remain in our hearts every day of the year (as cheesy as that may sound). Every morning Jeannie and I drive to work to drop her off so I can make my way to work a few hours later. The drive together may be quiet sometimes, it may be tense other times and sometimes all we do is laugh. It just makes me realize thinking about this that joy is in our hearts and in our life together regardless of what time of year it is. Regardless if there is a tree keeping us company in our living room, there is this amazing joy that we have. I have the same joy when I think about my parents. There is an extreme amount of joy knowing that no matter what there is a family out there who loves and misses me.

Forget gifts, forget materialism, forget the hype over consumerism. All I want is quality time with the one's I love. I am so thankful that for all that Christmas has become, I am really holding on to the true reason of the season, to come together and love one another just as we should all year round.

God is Tenacious.

2009-12-15T13:55:00.006-05:00

I am completely aware at how peculiar my thoughts are. My brain is a mish mash of complex and simple thoughts. Half the time I have no idea why I think the things I do or why I wake up in the middle of the night, more often than not, with the craziest questions. The last time I attended chapel at church our pastor said something that has been stuck in my head. God is a tenacious God. Of all the other crazy things we can attribute to God this is the one I have been holding on to lately. This is the thought I hope to hold onto into the new year. My first of a few new years resolutions, to hold on to the positive things of God, the things that matter rather than dwelling on all the negative aspects that get attributed to religious thought and therefore linked to ideas of God.

te⋅na⋅cious
/təˈneɪʃəs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [tuh-ney-shuhs]
–adjective
1. holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold
2. highly retentive: a tenacious memory.
3. pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate.
4. holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough.

It's this idea that God truly does have a firm hold, that she/he is persistent. Also brings me back to a quote from a most loved song by a Christian Screamo band that I also hold onto as one of my most basic concepts of how I understand God in relation to my life... "They look up without realizing that they are sitting in the palm of your hand" (Blindside). For all the fundamentalist thinkers, for those radical religious followers who have left a sour taste in most of our mouths for anything linked with God I propose a new way of thought. Find out your defining attributes of God, the ways in which you really feel linked to a higher power and hold on to those thoughts, hold on to an individualistic faith. No matter how many times Ann Coulter or Richard Cohen makes me cringe I try and focus on what remains true to my own concept of faith.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God.

Richard Cohen on The Rachel Maddow show

2009-12-09T08:47:00.004-05:00

It's interesting when you think about how dependent we can become on others words even when they aren't licensed or accredited. Even more interesting to me is that there are actually places in the world where it may soon be legal to execute me for the simple fact that I am in love with a woman. I am really praying for Uganda and I am really thankful for Rachel Maddow and Richard Cohen for really having a conversation so we can see more than one side.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Her eyes saw heaven...

2009-12-05T07:58:00.003-05:00

I watched someone see heaven last night. I actually saw her eyes look at something that I know was for only her to see. We all hear these ideas about the condemnations and restrictions that heaven holds. I've heard so many ideas of who belongs in heaven and who will go to hell. When it comes down to it, those rigid ideas of "accepting the lord" before you pass on; those fears that fundamentalist Christians impose on those who listen about hell, I just can't believe it.

Thinking about what I saw last night, if these rigid "rules" for what permits someone to move onto heaven are true... how could I ever feel at peace thinking that someone with a kind heart, someone who lived an amazing life would go anywhere negative after they passed on rather than moving on to a beautiful serene place.

I think more than ever experiencing what I saw last night made me believe more in heaven and less in hell. I believe that at our core most humans are innately good. At our core we were created to be so . In the same sense people interpret scripture to express equality among "sinful actions". So if all our sinful actions are equal are they not then equally forgiven? And if they are not equally forgiven are we then not all eligible for the gift of heaven?

Again I wonder if heaven is truly a gift or rather is it our right? Were we not created to love God and to live eternally with him in some form? I know, we are given choice but I'm airing on the edge of positive thinking and really trying to believe that at our core we all have a desire to love and be loved. I'd like to believe that more than not humans are beautiful people. Yes we still have rapists and murders in the world, I believe too that they can change. I know not all those people who commit heinous acts will turn there lives around but all throughout scripture we read about the amazing love of God. I can't believe it's simply black and white, you are "good" or "evil". I can't believe it's as simple as a check mark or an ex beside your name in terms of if you will enter heaven or not.

I watched a resident's eyes see heaven tonight, she spoke to angels and she turned and looked at me and told me how beautiful it all was. She looked in amazement and kept saying over and over "I can't believe, I'm seeing it". There is something beautiful that happens after life and it's something we can't claim to fully comprehend. It's something we shouldn't use against one another. There are people who will say that I have a guaranteed ticket to hell because of who I am, because of who I love. There are people that think that's absurd and that to love people is the most important thing God will ask of you in this life time. Who is right? I guess when our time comes we'll find out... I'd like to believe in the more positive way of looking at things. I believe that a heart of love, a life of giving and caring is all God wants of us here on earth.

Thomas Merton on my mind....

2009-12-03T10:03:00.004-05:00

Two things I'm thinking a lot about.

The first; Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.

This concept of love in all relationships and this idea of a reciprocating love, in that if we live with a spirit of love, love is it's own reward. Kind of brings about this idea of karma. I'd love to hear other's share there thoughts on this.

I've also been thinking a lot about this concept of really listening to God. Merton says it best; Just remaining quietly in the presence of God, listening to Him, being attentive to Him, requires a lot of courage and know-how. Seeking the courage to really listen but even more so the courage to sit quietly while I do so.

That's what's up recently thinking about love in all facets of my life and contemplating truly listening and resting in God's presence especially in the chaotic moments of life.

Family

2009-11-26T08:23:00.004-05:00

When I think about my family .... my heart swells.
When I think about my loving parents and their amazing capacity to love, a smile graces my face. When I think about my brother and how close we've become, I feel as though I now have a new best friend. When I think about my wife and the love she shows me on a daily basis, I feel as though I have been given something that most people don't experience in their lifetime.

When I think about family, I don't think about ease. I don't think about perfection, life in general is messy and family can be just that. But all in all I see family as a beautiful unit of love. If we can move through change and self revelations together, than we really can conquer anything.

Society portrays this idea of ease, it portrays this idea of unconditional love that truly is a false sense of what the depth of that phrase means. Unconditional love is a battle, it's a movement towards a greater capacity of love than what may come naturally. It's finding that depth of love that brings us closer to the kind of love that God has for us. It's understanding that truly such love has no boundaries, and doesn't hold back. Unconditional love is not easy, but in the end it is the kind of love that really brings families to a new level of close. Unconditional love is something I feel from everyone I hold close in my life. It's something that's helped me keep a smile on my face and shine... just as I am.

Thank you.. Mom, Dad, Pat and my amazing Wife.

This is my prayer....

2009-11-08T11:41:00.003-05:00

I went to church this morning, the first Sunday after the vote here in Maine. My church has been supportive on Question 1 and I tried to prep myself that they would touch on it in chapel this morning. My pastor touched on this idea of tradition, and this idea that some have about preserving tradition. As the Yes on 1 campaign clung to this idea so strongly. In the message this morning we spoke of Jesus as a liberator. We spoke of Jesus as being the one to move forward and break down barriers rather than build them up. We spoke about music, over the years the music has remained constant though the method through which we hear it is always changing. We've moved from record players onto mp3 players but the music still remains constant. Progress has been beneficial, and if we look at this analogy we can remind ourselves that in the same way that music has remained a constant in the progress of technology God will remain constant as we move forward in our faith and inclusiveness.

My church took 5 years, 5 whole years of study before they came out as an open and affirming congregation in 2000. Civil rights movements take time, they are painful and they are long processes. One thing that remains the same is that we always look back and wonder why it took so long. Why did it take so long for the church to realize that scripture did not condone slavery. Why did it take so long for the church to realize that women should have a voice within the church and within political sphere's. We look back now and think, wow, how did we ever contemplate if the church should or should not be accepting of that? Once again we are in this moment of change, we are in the midst of another big movement forward. In the midst of this movement at times I feel as though it's hard enough being a lesbian but also being a Christian makes it unbearable. Seeing others who identify as christian attending churches where their pastors preach that a vote for equal marriage rights for same sex couples is their ticket to hell. Some how we are one in the same through our radical difference.

The Jehovah's witnesses that come to our door every Saturday asked me this weekend, if you could change one thing about the world what would it be? Seems like a question that could take a lot of thought but I answered quickly. I wish we could learn to be one human family, something I've been thinking/writing about lately. I wish it were enough to love God and love my wife and walk among people who may think differently. I wish we could all be humble enough to claim that no one can possibly have the ultimate truth, no priest or pastor has the ultimate set in stone truth. Even with bible in hand we are human and have our own interpretations and our own convictions of truth. We are one in the same, we are all uncertain to some extent.

I just need to hold on to this idea of Jesus as a liberator, to hold tight to this faith that has seen Jeannie and I through so much adversity. To hold on to this idea that God ultimately is love and has no real hand in any hatred that may come our way.
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight ..." - Philippians 1:9.

And so we move forward, and stay the course knowing that progress is happening and in our marriage and in our daily life God remains the constant.

Devastation...

2009-11-04T08:23:00.003-05:00

Jeannie and awoke last night at 2 am to check the results, when the Yes on 1 campaign would cheer, we would lay in bed holding each other crying. When the Yes on 1 campaign would claim there victory, we would be left with something we just barely had a grasp on taken away from us.

All we wanted was for society to present our love as legitimate all we wanted was more security, as all minorities do. I wonder when we'll realize that the issues of any minority need to be handled differently. I wonder when my rights will matter, the rights of my friends... I wonder when equality will prevail.

Today my heart is broken, but no matter what no one can take away who I am and what I have with my wife. No matter what you cannot make me feel ashamed, I will only feel sad that your lack of understanding caused you to vote to take something away from 47% of us who feel as though equality would be better for all of us!

Today....

2009-11-03T11:18:00.002-05:00

Today is the day..... as I walk around the streets of Portland I feel an anxious lull. We are waiting on Question 1, waiting to know if legitimacy will be ours. I already know that what I have with my partner is the kind of love not everyone is lucky enough to experience, but what I don't have is legal recognition of that love. Though what is decided today will not take anything away from me, there is so much we have to gain. Please get out and vote, Vote No on 1 and say yes to equality for all Maine families!!

7 days left to Vote No on 1.

2009-10-27T09:38:00.001-04:00

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."- Mother Teresa

2009-10-18T07:21:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about this quote by Mother Teresa and how relevant it is to what is happening in Maine. It also makes me think about generally how we pin people against others. Republicans this and Democrats that. I saw this bumper sticker the other day that said "One Human Family" and I wonder why that concept is so beautiful yet non-existant? Why does it take extreme situations for us to come together? In the wake of tragedy we would put aside our differences and come to the aid of our neighbour. But why, on a regular day is this impossible? Why is it so hard to even speak with those of opposing views now a days?

There are Jehovah's witnesses who come to my door. Jeannie invited them back. And we hope they will come up for breakfast next Saturday. This past Saturday when I spoke with them, I really felt a genuine person standing there preaching their truth. Though I have many notions of why their truth is this and that, it is THEIR truth. It is their choice, it is their life. But if we truly are one human family, why shouldn't I come together with others regardless of how extremely different we may be.

I know this isn't easy because the moment I'm told anything offensive. The moment the topic of homosexuality and hell are brought up, our breakfast may be cut short next Saturday. But isn't it enough to just try? If I believe in the message that Jesus' life had than I have to believe that coming together amidst difference is something we should at least try. Maybe it's one small step to take in order to come closer with one another even if we hold opposing views.

Every time I see a Yes on 1 sign, I feel sick to my stomach. The reason why is beyond the fact that it will take away something huge Jeannie and I and many of my friends who I love are so close to obtaining. It's the though that some of the people posting those signs would never sit in a room with me. It's thinking back to those people who stood in line in front of me at the Public Hearing sharing very hateful words. Why is this how opposition presents itself? Where has civility gone?

It brings me to tears when I think about how angry I feel towards people who would pray that I change my life. But it makes me even more sad to think there are some people in this world who never even sit down just to listen to another side of things. We are so separate. We are so split. I often wonder if it will ever change, or is this merely an echo of centuries of the same thing.

I was looking at a fellow church members blog and was asked what my song is, what is a song that helps me live in the present. Without hesitation I choose this song and wanted to share it:

Thoughts in my head....

2009-10-06T09:07:00.003-04:00

(Photo by Jeannie Sawyer)
Lately life has been moving at a rapid pace. But as always I'm constantly thinking about literally everything under the sun. I'm wondering constantly how I can be a wholesome person in all facets of my life. I'm wondering about how I can be more informed, a conscious consumer, a lover of the earth and everything that inhabits it. I'm wondering how in this body that I live in can I make the biggest positive impact in even the most smallest of ways.

On a daily basis I envelope the ideals of truly respecting my elders. Even those who have declined into a childlike state, they deserve the utmost respect. They are lives lived, stories that need to be told.

I often wonder about this circle of life that God created. I wonder about his intentions in creating it. I wonder why the most beautiful of seasons, fall, is the shortest lived? I wonder about the real essence of savoring moments. Was this God's true intention? And are we constantly missing the point? I sit with people at the end of their days, people in their 80's, 90's and even 100's. People who have seen this life full circle, and yet they still see the world through fresh eyes. A fall van ride still amazes them, the colors, the beauty still has it's enchanting powers.

I think about new life often as well. This idea of producing children, this idea of family. Thinking about what that's really all about and how amazing it is. Thinking about marriage and what's it has meant to see 5 years of love moving forward. When I think or even write about it, I still get emotional, to know that I come home to something that is pure and lovely every day. How blessed I am. I think about the first days all the time, meeting Jeannie for the very first time I knew my life would be changed. As cliche as it sounds, it's completely true. Thank goodness it has, for all the time that it felt as though life was turned completely upside down it was worth it.

I think often about God. I think often about scripture. I think often about how frustrating it all is. I think about relevancy and how much the church lacks this. I think about fears, and wonder why there is so much fear surrounding change and evolving thoughts. I wonder why this is so difficult for the church to embrace. I often think about what I envision God to be, love, power, beauty and strength and wonder why these very characteristics aren't mimicked by the "Body" of Christ.

I wonder when we'll leap over this hump of fear in the church. I'm always waiting and watching for change to happen. In the same ways I wonder when Seniors will start coming in to facilities like where I work sporting tattoo's, a love for rock music and an open mind about things that I believe will soon be issues of the past.

I suppose I think entirely too much.

The future...

2009-08-18T09:09:00.003-04:00

Life is moving along, it seems at a very rapid pace these days. It's a bit frightening. All I can do is think about the future most times. Right now Jeannie and I are experiencing for the first time ... what it's like for both of us to be working. The freedom is amazing. The relief of stress is amazing. And we both still live pretty simply. Though I know we can be stable and settled on our incomes, I think daily about this desire I have to add on to our family. I guess my biological clock is ticking, big time. In the next few years I really want to have a baby. We both do, but for me I have another desire as well... to really make sure my family will be well taken care of. So I am applying for my Masters degree. I want to be secure enough that Jeannie can stay home with our child instead of needing alternative care. Not that alternative care is bad but I just want that for my family. I want a house without stretching our finances so thin that we can't even really enjoy it. I want the freedom to put new tires on our car whenever it is needed. Little things really.. ha.

So I am applying to start my Masters degree next summer as soon as my work visa runs out at the end of May 2010. It will be intense but well worth it, and I proved to myself that I can really do it and do it well if I just push myself like I did during the last year of my undergrad. Also working where I am now I realized that as much as I adore being on the front lines and being directly with the residents I have little means to affect big change in their lives through policy work or changes within their facilities management. That's where I belong, that's where I want to be. I want to be able to make those choices and changes, and have that say that will in the long run really make a big difference in their lives. Also to hold close the passion I have for spending that time with them and hopefully instilling that in the employees that I work with.

Anyways... I've been praying about this a lot and I really feel focused with this decision. My only hesitation is that I'm applying to six different universities and not knowing where we will end up is a little unsettling. But no matter where we go I know are hearts are here in Portland and this is where we will end up. So ... cheers to the future, big plans, big prayers.

Life Recently....

2009-07-23T08:17:00.003-04:00

So ... life has been a little nuts lately.

My new job is amazing, although I feel like I work in an alternate universe. I don`t know the right words to use to describe what it`s like working 40 hours a week locked in an Alzheimer`s and Dementia unit with 30 residents. It`s both the most amazing and most difficult job I`ve ever had. My patience is tested on a daily basis, basically every minute of my day. Any fun activity I plan is far more difficult than you may think because of memory loss issues. Although nothing beats seeing a smile on the face of my residents, and nothing beats hearing ``thank-you, that was fun`. I live day to day just to see those smiles. Though some evenings I come home completely exhausted, the next morning when I show up at work greeted at the door sometimes with a hug even, it makes it all worth it.

I feel like this is the gift God blessed me with. I wasn`t blessed with a musical talent, my artistic ablities are more a hobby, I`m not sports star, but I have a gift when it comes to the elderly. Something in me connects with them. I can`t explain it but I`ve felt that way for years now, anyone who knows me has heard story upon story about how much I adore the elderly. It stems from my mother and watching her work with the elderly all my life.

Besides work, life has been moving along. Jeannie and I have been married for a year now legally and our real anniversary from our big ceremony was on the 2nd of August which is when we will celebrate from now on, but hitting year one allows for recognition on both days :). Year one has been amazing and God has really taken care of us. We really have something amazing and year one has just proved that too us, though it hasn`t been easy, nothing has been easy over the past five years, but we continue to grow as a couple. The next year is uncertain, come May 2010 I need to seek an alternative legal route to continue living here in Maine. As we hope and pray we can figure that out a lot of things are on hold. We want a family, we want to move forward but we can`t until we know we can really stay settled here in Maine. So please just pray something will happen, and we will be given a clear direction of where the future will take us.

In a week I am heading to Canada .... I am so exited to see my parents and celebrate a life long friendship by standing up with her at her wedding! I will try and write more after my trip.

Much Love.

Uniting American Families Act

2009-06-04T08:28:00.003-04:00

A lot is on my mind in terms of LGBT equality...

First off.... with thoughts of my year of work that is upon me.... wondering what lies past that ... the Uniting American Families Act would present an opportunity for immigration equality for same sex binational couples. This is something I really have my eyes on ... hoping and praying that it would come to pass. This is an issue separate of marriage in a way... because it doesn't require marriage.... if we are to say that yes the LGBT community is equal but we want them separate from the institution of marriage... it is still clear that we are not given true equal rights when binational couples are being ripped apart. Right now a same sex partner cannot sponsor their domestic partner or spouse.

For more on this visit: Immigration Equality

In other thoughts.. New Hampshire just passed same sex marriage also.... amazing.
Though Maine's law currently recognizes same sex marriage, we are in waiting for the 50,000 signatures needed to put it to a people's vote. I'm praying they do not get these signatures and leave this issue alone. What is done is fair and I hope it stays this way. I really never understood the fairness in allowing the people to vote on the rights of the minority anyways.

Lately, I really have been leaving my bitterness and angst aside from my faith.. or trying to and really looking at what is happening. If I believe in the model of character that Jesus presented and the type of person that I seek to push myself to be it really helps me comprehend how to keep my cool during such an exiting and yet stressful time. I believe there is a fine line between passionate activism and being constantly argumentative with opposing forces. It really is one of my biggest goals to stay away from being argumentative and to just focus on what really matters. All that really matters is that equality for all reigns and keeping that in mind is really what I'm hoping for. That is what I believe LD 1020 provides here in Maine and that is what I believe the Uniting American Families Act will bring. These movements towards equality need to happen, and for anyone to see otherwise would have to see myself as a lesser person. Where is the equality in that?

Abide in Love.

2009-05-29T09:50:00.003-04:00

Let me just say that waiting is such a hard thing to do.... and as I spent alot of time in waiting this past week I really focused my mind on God instead. It's pretty amazing what can happen. Coincidence or not, during the last two days where I had to wait to hear which position I would receive at the nursing home I interviewed at, my internet stopped working, the rain was pouring. I was left inside with nothing but the bible sitting there on my kitchen table staring at me. And though I find the bible to be frustrating ... because I over analyze and drive myself nuts while reading it.... for the first time.. I stopped thinking about all the misinterpretations that have turned the bible into something I believe it was never meant to be.... instead I just enjoyed it.. and I wrote down some thoughts on this time spent....

I’m sitting here today.... rain is falling; I have a free schedule for the first time in months. And I’m wondering what it really means to “spend time with God”. Is it enough to have my mind filled with questions concerning the God I believe in? Or is it more than that? I mean what is quality time with anyone really?

Sometimes, after spending time with my wife, I still feel like we haven’t spent quality time together. There is something different, for me, between watching a show together and going on a nice long walk together. So for me I suppose that definition of “quality time” is uniquely mine. So I guess, I’m trying to figure out what it means for me to spend time with God. How do I understand prayer, and how do I connect in prayer with God? Also how should I go about reading the bible given the understanding I have of what the bible is, what it sometimes is taken as and what I wish I would stand for.

Reading today, “...apart from me you can do nothing...” John 15:5, I’m wondering what this really means? Again my thoughts on the bible leave me to really wonder what was supposed to be meant here. I’m learning all over again it seems. It brings me back to this idea of dependence. We were created by a creator so at the core of our being I believe we have this desire for dependence given that this is how we were designed; but to what extent? Dependence to me ties in with this idea of pride, knowing when to be dependent and knowing when to admit it. So is our design for dependence on God a safe guard in keeping out pride in check? Again, that is if we choose to be dependent.

“If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love...” John 15:10

I often think after reading scripture, is it that simple? I can’t really see God being a master of trickery? Or having some devious plan to trip us up... so I’d like to believe, yes it is that simple regardless of what our interpretations may lead us to. I mean the commandments are pretty simple, pretty clear and I’d like to believe that they were literally written in stone. I really think that in spending time with God it’s easy to get caught up in everything else that is going on. I often get caught up in the discrimination that the LGBT community faces and the fight against our right to marriage as backed by fundamentalist Christian beliefs. It’s difficult for me to sometimes separate that... to separate my faith from the faith of others. Because if I think about how simple it is, then I feel as though I will always have the victory here. No matter how hard people may try to keep equal rights from me, I really do want to try and hold strong to this simple view on faith. Even though my mind is such a confusing place, ha. I wish we could all focus on the simple things, leave the complexities up to God and simply abide in God’s love. Rather than fighting again social change, change that can improve the lives of individuals who live in society, under the same rules as everyone else and are currently rendered as second class, instead of focusing on fighting against us why can we focus more on love.

My thoughts.. my prayers for what’s going on in the world right now.

Onward.

2009-05-24T09:21:00.003-04:00

Graduation has come and gone. Graduation day was an emotionally overwhelming experience. The sense of pride I felt that day was like none other I've ever experience. I've worked so hard, exceptionally hard, to finish my degree. To finish on such a high note, feeling confident that good things would come my way in the future .... was amazing.

Good things have come... my first big interview for the position I've always wanted ended in success. Since I was about 12 or 13 I can remember visiting my mom at work at a nursing home. From there I started volunteering, teaching the elderly how to use computers, just providing companionship for them. I was lucky to land a job at a nursing home providing office and activities support back in 2003. It was that job that solidified this overwhelming passion I have for the elderly. I've always had it. Whatever city I lived in, I had to have a nursing home to volunteer at. When I was attending bible college, I spent more time at the nursing home than I think I did at the college ha.

This past year I choose to intern at something different, I wanted to really experience something else and really make sure that this is the career path for me. Though being involved in educational advocacy and civil rights oriented work is amazing and something I will carry with me, there is no doubt that I was meant to serve the elderly. I believe God has given me a gift that both overwhelms and excites me. The interview went above and beyond what I could ever expect and I believe they saw the passion I carry with me. Everything I've worked hard at, though at the time may not have always made sense or seemed like the best choice, it all worked in my favor. Every aspect of my journey was looked at during this interview and the director saw all of these experiences as extremely valuable for this position.

I can't believe that only a week out of University, I am starting my career.... the job I always dreamed of having... I suppose I never really considered that this dream would become reality. It has... and all I can say is ... thank-you to everyone who believed in me and encouraged me over the years.

Our Voice

2009-05-01T12:59:00.002-04:00

Quotes from interviews I've conducted with friends...

"Now all the Christian conservatives believe we’re becoming numb to the sin. I don’t get the people who are so adamantly against it. It’s because their terrified. Like the banner toting anti everything people, why do you need to tote around a bull horn and press your beliefs on people, shut up and live your life the way you want to. Everyone claims separation of church and state and yet the reason we can’t marry is because people look to the bible and state their opposition loud and clear. Christians are like “we have rights”, well what about me? I’m a Christian too, what about me? I’d want to tell the suits that in 20 years they will look back and cringe at what we were denied” (L).

“It wouldn’t (marriage) make our relationship anymore real, I know it’s real. Being with someone as long as we have, it goes beyond legalities. It would change the awkwardness I feel about being treated as second class in this “great country”. I mean I think it would mean that this country finally gets it right” (K).

"For us it would mean that [our son] would have that, to be able to know and say that his parents are married. It wouldn’t change what we have but I think it would mean a lot to him" (S).

Here's hoping that equality wins. LD 1020 moves on to the House next week.

Support LD 1020- An Act to End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedoms

2009-04-22T20:36:00.007-04:00

Support Equal rights .... Support LD 1020

I left Portland at 5:30 am this morning, with a car full of people I love ... all sporting red in support of Marriage Equality for all Maine couples. It was an emotionally exhausting day, 30 minutes filled with 3 minute testimonies in Proposition of Marriage Equality, followed by 30 minutes in Opposition of Marriage Equality.

Proponents express stories of inequality, loved one's on their death beds... facing the insecurities that come with not being legally recognized as a spouse of one's life partner. Stories of knowing that a stranger could walk in off the street and be recognized in the same way that same sex couples are viewed. Wondering if my partner gets sick, will I be allowed in the hospital room, will I have a voice? An elderly woman with the early stage of Alzheimer's wonders what the legal system will allow to happen as her illness progresses and her partner has to fight for the legal right to have a say where her loved one ends up for care and the type of care she receives. These are the things same sex couples and our straight allies were expressing. These inequalities really do express the discrimination that we live with daily. As citizens we are expected to pay the same taxes, to perform the same basic duties of a citizen... yet we are not afforded the same rights as other citizens... we are given less than... and forced to fight much harder for the rights we are given. Our expressions were a plee for equality for human beings, for loving families.... for people who want something that is simple.... something that is basic.... something that we shouldn't have to ask for... security, acceptance and most importantly; equality.

Opponents today expressed more hurtful words than valid statements and spoke so out of anger. There was a clear distinction between the emotion that was expressed by proponents of marriage equality versus the anger the opponents feel. I was disappointed and actually expected to hear more than the same repeated expressions that I've been hearing over and over again. Arguments that Homosexuality, if socially accepted would promote bestiality. Arguments that Homosexuality would open the door for polygamy. Opponents not only made these absurd linkages but they distorted the bible and turned it into something ugly rather than expressing the beauty that I know lies inside it. Over and over again I heard the same statement, "God made Adam and Even, Not Adam and Steve". Yes, it's true that God made Adam and Eve, God also made the earth.... and everything in it.... God's creation is beautiful and as I've heard many times... God makes no mistakes.... I am not a mistake. I've fought too hard to finally understand myself.. not only understand.. but love myself.... I will never believe that God did not create me to be this way and that instead of the "sin" and curse that it is claimed to be by some.... I believe it is a gift.

With this gift .. I will see the world through different eyes.... I will love others more because I know what it's like to be given less.... I have a heart of hopefulness and thankfulness as I have to fight harder for the basics in life than most people do. With this gift, I will show the world beauty and light ... I hope through that I will inspire others who are given less to never settle.

As the people of Maine come away form the hearing today... I hope you not only heard our voices ... but I hope you really saw us.... I hope you really saw me. I am a newly wed, still figuring out the ins and outs of marriage. I realize more and more everyday what I'm up against and all the fears I should have. I have no safety net, and the woman whose made all my dreams come true, I have no legal standing with in the State of Maine, and in the United States of America. Regardless of if you continue to treat me as less than or not... our love will not die. Oppressing me by denying me equality will not change me, it will only allow for inequality to continue to reign. More importantly.... I truly believe that the God who has loved and supported me through out my life stands for equality and social justice and I wish we could use his name to represent love rather than using Him to justify the kinds of arguments I heard today.

Please.... support Equality for Maine.... and for America....

On Wednesday

2009-04-20T16:57:00.004-04:00

I read this... and I shouldn't read anything written by Michael Heath but I'd rather stay on top of what the Opposition is up to rather than being oblivious. So I read this today....

"Maine's Legislature is on the verge of eliminating marriage in Maine. Please pray that God will intervene. He is our best hope. God has not forgotten about Maine. Even though things seem grim He may yet be gracious toward us. Senator Dennis Damon wants to eliminate Maine's Defense of Marriage Act. It was created by referendum in 1997. 60,000 Mainers signed petitions demanding that Marriage be protected. Now, 186 politicians in Augusta want to ignore the will of the people ... again. Maine people twice rejected "gay" rights in the past decade. Homosexuality is very sad, and sinful. Maine must not create a culture that winks at something so debilitating on so many levels. To present this "orientation" as benign to impressionable children is the height of arrogance, and surely qualifies as evil."
- Michale Heath (Exec. Director of the former Christian Civic
League now named the Maine Family Policy Council)

On Wednesday I will be attending the Marriage Bill hearing here in Maine. Some how I need to be there supporting a cause I believe in... Marriage Equality. At the same time I need to listen to those who oppose such equality and actually label it as evil. My personal issues hit even deeper as I hear God used as a weapon against me and my desire to have a legally recognized marriage in the U.S. God is used as a prime reason for why legalizing same sex marriage is considered to some Christians as eliminating marriage rather than promoting equality. I believe in the same God ..... but our ideologies of what God truly represents couldn't be further from what I believe Michael Heath is presenting here.

On Wednesday I will be attending the hearing in support of positive social change, in support of a change that will no longer label my wife and I as second class. As we take a stand to ask for equality .... others would say we still are undeserving.

Please pray for all of us who will be attending the hearing on Wednesday that negativity wont reign and that voices may truly be heard.

Carl Joseph

2009-04-15T17:18:00.000-04:00

LGBT Youth/Elderly + Marriage Equality in Maine

2009-04-13T10:41:00.004-04:00

I fell upon something really interesting I wanted to share...... Click here!

Marriage Equality in Maine is heating up ... the Director of my Internship placement has joined in the fight for Marriage Equality for LGBT folks in Maine because he see's this as a civil rights issue and the article to follow really clearly shows an issue many overlook when thinking about LGBT rights...

RULE OF ORDER
BY KELLEY BOUCHARD

Portland Press Herald

Several educators called for respectful debate Tuesday over same-sex marriage legislation, saying they want to ensure the safety and acceptance of gay, bisexual and transgender students in public schools across the state.

The educators also encouraged legislators to support the bill, regardless of their personal or religious views, saying that rejection of the legislation might be a "green light" for harassment and violence against gay students.

"A 'no' vote is going to send a sad, resonating message," said Stephen Wessler, executive director of the Center for the Prevention of Hate Violence, which offers educational programs in schools throughout Maine and beyond.

The center hosted a news conference that included Ken Kunin, principal of Deering High School in Portland; Megan Walter, principal of Memorial Middle School in South Portland; and Gillian Watt, a social studies teacher at Mt. Ararat High School in Topsham.

"As an educator, I want my students to come to school and feel safe," Watt said.

All four educators said they support the bill, which is scheduled for a public hearing on April 24 at 9:30 a.m. at Cony High School in Augusta. A Judiciary Committee work session is set for April 28 at 1 p.m. in Room 438 at the Statehouse.

The bill, LD 1020, sponsored by Sen. Dennis Damon, D-Trenton, would repeal the state's ban on same-sex marriages and authorize marriages between any two people who meet the requirements of state law.

It would recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states, but wouldn't penalize any Maine authority for refusing to perform same-sex marriages. It wouldn't force any religious institution to solemnize same-sex marriages or alter doctrine, policy or teaching regarding gay marriage.

The educators said the actions and words of government leaders will set a tone for community behavior, especially among students in public schools.

According to the 2007 National School Climate Survey, 86 percent of gay students reported being verbally harassed, 44 percent reported being physically harassed and 22 percent reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.

"We're not looking to change community views," Kunin said. "It's about having respectful dialogue."

Mike Heath, executive director of the Maine Family Policy Council, said he agrees there should be respectful debate about the bill. "But I'm concerned that all the dialogue on this issue over the last 25 to 30 years isn't leading us in a positive direction," he said.

Can't believe DOMA still stands.

2009-03-27T10:53:00.008-04:00

So .... with all my respect for the Christian community, even fundamentalist Christians yet I really find DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) to be out right ridiculous. To me, it seems like anyone with half a mind would easily see that it's unconstitutional. Take away my own selfish motives for wanting DOMA to be struck down, it simply doesn't make sense in any sort of platform.

DOMA defines marriage federall as being exclusively heterosexual. But it goes beyond that. It claims a protection on heterosexual marriage, a protection from who you might ask. Apparently, heterosexual marriage needs to be protected from us LGBT folks. Does that make sense to anyone? Even those of you who hold religious convictions that leave you feeling uncomfortable with the thought of same sex couples marrying.

My biggest issue is that DOMA is motivated and supported by fundamentalist Christian ideologies. This is in a country that claims to be religiously neutral. DOMA is a direct contradiction to the very foundation of America as such a neutral nation. Not only that it directly contradicts various aspects of the constitution, one being the Establishment clause forbidding that federal and state governments prefer one religion over another. (Not to mention that it also denies Due Process the Equal Protection Clause and the Full Faith and Credit Clause)

In a time where people are actually considering a need for protection from homosexuals, (still, even in 2009) I'm thinking that the very foundation of what makes America, America needs protecting. Yes, yes, I am Canadian and have only been living in America for going on my third year but all that I've ever heard about America seems to be crumbling. America is no long at the forefront of equality and freedom, rather America seems to be lagging far behind.

As big decisions are made at the state level these days, I think the biggest thing I've heard is that right now people have the chance to be part in something huge, the civil rights movement of our time. The reality is that... it's going to happen.. it can't not happen and regardless of if it's in two or five or ten years, there will be federal protections and a federal legality of same sex marriage in America in my life time. The choice is for those big wigs making the decisions, they can choose to be on the winning or loosing side of historic events.

I'd just like to say that... I really do believe in religious freedoms and have the utmost respect for those who have a hard time with same sex marriage. My issue is that these religious ideologies have no place in state and federal legislative decisions.

"DOMA has crossed this forbidden line between the secular and the religious. DOMA, motivated and supported by fundamentalist Christian ideology, and lacking any genuine secular goals or justifications, betrays the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution". - James M. Donovan

In the midst of the fight.....

2009-03-25T11:11:00.003-04:00

Here's an amazing article that I read... and though I tend to like writing about spiritual stuff ... these days my life is surrounded and affected by the topic of marriage equality.... so for now.. that really is my focus in thought and in action....

Why I want to Get Married in Maine

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The rights and privileges of all committed couples should be the same.
Peter Lystad was a dedicated teacher for 40 years, many of them in the Auburn school system. Thousands of his former students around the world today share his wisdom and love of learning. Peter was also my life partner for 30 years. During the last two years of his life, he battled pancreatic cancer, asking to die at our home. I left my theater career to become his full-time caregiver and during his journey, it was, for both of us, a time of great richness about the meaning and mysteries of life.
On the day Peter died, the mortician came to take his body for cremation and asked, "Who will sign for the body?""I will," I answered."What relation are you to the deceased?""I am Peter's life partner.""I'm sorry, but that is not a legal relation," he responded."Yes, but I have durable power of attorney," I replied confidently. We had planned for this moment."I'm sorry, but durable power of attorney ends at death."Who knew? The lawyer who drew up the papers never told us. Peter's only living relative, his 96-year-old mother, was in a nursing home in Minnesota. She had Alzheimer's and did not know who she was.So there I was with my life partner's body in the bedroom, unable to do anything. It is illegal to bury a body on your property in Maine, and after nearly two years of constant care-giving, I was too exhausted to walk, much less dig a grave. Had I been Peter's wife, the mortician would not have even asked for a marriage license before I signed for the body.Today, my marriage to Jim Shaffer, which was legally licensed in Massachusetts and is recognized by our religion, is not recognized in Maine. Once again, we are in the position of dealing with inequities of law that treat our relationship differently from those of other citizens.Ironically, Jim now is also battling cancer but, at least for now, 18 surgeries seem to have stemmed its progress. Whichever one of us dies first, we want what other committed couples have; no more, no less, not special, not different ... just the same freedoms that are given to other Americans. In total, legally married couples enjoy over 1,100 rights and privileges that are denied us and other same-gender couples in Maine.

This country was founded with the venerable goal of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" for each of its citizens. America's journey toward this goal has required that we re-examine some of our most common traditions. In our history, we have realized many of our traditions have been unfair: slavery, child labor, the subservience and obedience of women, separation by gender, race, handicap or age.As a democracy, we have learned that a separate institution for minorities is not democratic. States that are now mired in legal madness have learned that separate institutions of civil unions are not only unworkable, but also undemocratic and discriminatory.Within living memory, it was neither traditional nor legal for black people to marry white people. Surely, marriage traditions have greatly changed many times, from the biblical era when a man could have many wives, to a time when a wife's sole duty was to serve and obey her owner, her husband, to today, when our government issues marriage licenses, but only to some of its citizens. Religions have, and will always have, the freedom to sanctify whatever unions they choose.Civil rights should never be subject to the whims of the popular vote. Let us remember that it was not popular vote that outlawed racial discrimination in America, but legislation and a civil war. In Massachusetts and Connecticut, marriage equality was dictated not by popular vote or legislation, but by judicial ruling. This legislative session, Maine, the "I lead" state, has an opportunity to truly "lead" these United States and become the first state to legislate marriage equality for all of its citizens.My husband, Jim, and I want to be married in Maine. We believe the citizens of Maine pledge allegiance to a flag that stands for liberty and justice, not just for some, not just for most, but for liberty and justice for all.

Marriage Equality in Maine

2009-03-16T08:45:00.004-04:00

This weekend was a quiet one, I'm recovering from a worst bout of flu I've ever experienced. But today is a good day.

My thoughts are running rampid this morning as I sit at my desk here at CPHV.

Jeannie and I went to church this past sunday with our good friend who we pick up at her apartment in the assisted living quarters around the corner from our place. This sunday felt like every other, but as it unfolded, it opened up doors of amazing conversation.

The sun was beaming through the stain glass window in the chapel. I could barley see as the service began. The first congregational church, United Church of Christ in South Portland took a stand to become open an affirming years ago. A tough decision for any church to make, even more tough than that is a decision to also bless same sex unions. The blessings weren't as well received as the decision to be open and affirming but the convictions the pastors and the majority of the congregation held was that this was the right path to take. Those same thoughts happened yet again, as same sex marriage is the hot topic currently in Maine. Maine is seeking to become the third state to legalize same sex marriages and as always this strikes up controversy between those who hold opposing views. My church, I'm proud to say, is making a statement, taking a stand.

Until marriage is equal for all, my church will not sign marriage lisences for anyone. Though they will face immense amounts of scrutiny, I'm sure.... I'm so proud.

After making such an announcement we sat with other members, including our elderly friend, and discussed our thoughts on this decision. Genuine thoughts were shared, and I find it amazing that the assumptions I've often made regarding the elderly and their views on the topic are not always accurate.

As I headed off on a little outing with my partner and our elderly friend we talked very openly about her thoughts and about Jeannie and I and our commitment to one another. I feel more strongly now than ever, that open communication truly is the key. Open discussions like these can really make a world of difference. If an 80 year old woman can say that she thinks her views on things are changing.... I believe we can all take another look.

I will add a link to the sermon from this past sunday as soon as it's posted on the church's website.

In other thoughts....

I was listening to a podcast from Revolution Church in NYC and they spoke about "The Green Bible" all the verses speaking about the environment are written in green... and as I think about my faith and what I think is becomnig increasingly important I really see environmental issues as a priority in terms of what I feel is honoring to God. So...mmm..... I hope to purchase a copy of this in the near future....

Naive?

2009-03-06T11:09:00.005-05:00

Maybe it's truly naive of me to see an issue that shouldn't be up for debate. Maybe it's ignorant of me to have a hard time comprehending and valid argument that could be made. I am human, I'm am living and breathing. I am a citizen, I am active and engaged. When we debate issues affecting the human heart, I wonder why we take the heart out of the equation. Why are we debating and arguing over issues as if they are nothing more than legalities? In listening to the prop 8 oral hearings I just wish it were enough to break down asking where justice and equality fit into all of this?

Someone else says it better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv35SN3ctU

A Brief History of a Recurring Nightmare

2009-03-04T12:30:00.001-05:00

By Timothy F. Murphy

WHEN the American Psychiatric Association drew up its list of disorders in 1952, it described homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disorder. Many therapists were far ahead of that formality: they were already trying to cure homosexual men and women and prevent homosexuality from taking hold in children.

Since the late 1800’s, psychiatrists, psychologists, endocrinologists, and others have investigated treatments for homosexuality. The vast majority of homosexual men and women never found themselves in a clinician’s office for treatment, of course, but those that did faced a bewildering array of therapies. The treatments reflected scientific theories of their time about the origins of homosexuality: some were laughable, while others were gruesome. Virtually every therapy has reported “successes,” namely men or women who have overcome homosexuality and grown into heterosexuality. Despite these self-reported successes, many of these therapies died alongside their inventors. Yet the history of therapeutic failure has not extinguished the debate altogether. Some therapists and religious counselors even now say they can help men and women redirect sexual attraction away from members of their own sex.

What follows here is a short tour of some therapists and their therapies that makes no claim to completeness. Its purpose is to show the range of treatments used in the name of eradicating homosexuality over the years. Readers will quickly notice that the vast majority of reports here deal with male homosexuality, a fact that reflects the emphasis in the professional literature. For those wanting to “treat” homosexuality, men and women should figure equally. In fact, however, that’s not the story the history tells.

1892. A United States neurologist, Graeme M. Hammond, recommends extensive bicycle riding as a treatment for homosexuality. He believed that homosexuality was rooted in nervous exhaustion and that bicycle exercise would restore health and heterosexuality.

1897. British psychologist Havelock Ellis expresses considerable skepticism about treatment for congenital homosexuality. He describes a treatment carried out by German therapist Albert von Schrenck-Notzing that involved up to 150 hypnosis sessions as well as consumption of large amounts of alcohol and subsequent visits to brothels. Ellis caustically notes that this “cure” usually ends in backsliding and sexually transmitted disease. “For my own part, I frankly confess that the remedy seems to me worse than the disease.” He acknowledged that homosexual men could be brought to have sex with women, but because that behavior did not extinguish homosexual interests, he called it little more than masturbation per vaginam. Not that he saw homosexuals as entirely normal. He said this when it came to homosexual men and women having children: “Nor is it possible to view with satisfaction the prospects of inverts begetting or bearing children. Often, no doubt, the children turn out fairly well, but for the most part they bear witness that they belong to a neurotic and failing stock. Sometimes, indeed, the tendency to sexual inversion in eccentric and neurotic families seems merely to be Nature’s merciful method of winding up a concern which, from her point of view, has ceased to be profitable.”

1899. Physician Denslow Lewis held that life itself is worthless without the attainment of a relationship with the opposite sex. He saw sex between women as “pernicious” and held out more hope for cure in the poor than in the wealthy. “The poor, hard-working girl is not addicted to this vice. The struggle for life exhausts her capabilities. The girl brought up in luxury develops a sexual hyperesthesia [excessive sensitivity to stimuli] that is fostered by the pleasures of modern society.” And the cure for these wretches? Lewis said that this hyperesthesia could be relieved by the application of cocaine solutions, saline cathartics, the surgical “liberation” of adherent clitorises, or even the administration of strychnine by hypodermic. He reported numerous successes, measured by reduction in “reflex excitability.” Some of these women, he said, went on to become wives and mothers. Two women did become wives and mothers, but they never enjoyed the sex act. Even more unfortunately, one of his patients went insane and ended her days in an asylum.

1920. Sigmund Freud’s writings about homosexuality span a broad range of his works across his long life. In 1920, he described the origins of homosexuality in a young woman sent to him by her parents. The girl herself was not distressed about her sexual interests. Freud said the possibility of changing the organization of sexuality was never easy: “In general, to undertake to convert a fully developed homosexual into a heterosexual does not offer much more prospect of success than the reverse, except that for good practical reasons the latter is never attempted.”

1929. Will castration cure homosexuality? An anonymous Swiss report about male and female prisoners who had been castrated to relieve some sexual abnormality showed that libido was diminished in more or less every case. Of eight cases of “perverse sexual practices,” a cure was secured in five. The authors conclude: “The operation is indicated in cases of persistent exhibitionism, rape, and homosexuality.”

1929. What are male homosexuals like? Physician John F. W. Meagher described them this way: “Indulgent male inverts like pleasant, artistic things, and nearly all of them are fond of music. They also like praise and admiration. They are poor whistlers. Their favorite color is green (red, complementary) whereas most individuals prefer blue or red.” Not everyone can be helped out of this condition. Congenital homosexuals are at a considerable disadvantage, as drugs and surgery are rarely helpful. But “acquired” homosexuality may be extinguished sometimes, depending on the strength of the desire of the person to change. Therapy should focus on gaining insight into one’s life, the development of heterosexual interests, self-control, and the avoidance of alcohol.

1940’s. In his 1985 account of the Third Reich, historian Geoffrey Cocks notes that the Nazis retained a Danish physician to test the cure of homosexuality through the implantation of sex glands, namely testicles.

1955. The British Medical Association issues a report on homosexuality and prostitution. They conclude that homosexuality is essentially a social problem, but an important one. They say an apparent increase in homosexuality is due to the weakening of personal responsibility and disregard for social and national welfare. According to this logic, it follows that the suppression of homosexuality “can be achieved by promoting in the minds, motives, and wills of these people a desire for clean and unselfish living.” As to treatment proper, the goal should be to help homosexual men and women refrain from overt acts which would bring them into conflict with the law. “It must be admitted with regret that some of the advice given to homosexuals in the name of treatment is often useless, simply defeatist, or grossly unethical.” Not all homosexuals need treatment, or are amenable to it. The report concludes by noting various kinds of treatment that may be useful: analytic psychotherapy, non-analytic therapies, group treatment, as well as possible physical and drug treatments.

1958. Psychoanalyst Clifford Allen reports a variety of cures through psychotherapy. Four people (men and women) were not “cured” outright, but he does say they were well on their way to normality. He says that these people reported attraction to the opposite sex and even held out hopes of marriage and children. He mentions other treatments: one man grew more body hair because of psychotherapy, another took methyl testosterone by mouth, and yet other men were turned from homosexuality by threats of beatings or encouragement to go to brothels. Allen concludes: “It is definitely not true that homosexuality is incurable.” Ideally, he says, every patient should be treated for an hour a day for five years.

1959. Cultural commentators and moralists hold out the prospect of treatment even while acknowledging that homosexuality may not be a disease, strictly speaking. For example, one Catholic moralist said: “The homosexual can become normal, and while we are aware that there is little available information regarding the treatment of homosexuals, everything is to be gained from this optimistic attitude that will soon transmit itself to the homosexual patient.”

1962. British psychologist I. Oswald injects a man with nausea-inducing drugs, repeatedly playing audiotapes of men engaging in sex and surrounding the man with glasses of urine. Eventually, the man experiences hallucinations. Here the goal was to “overdose” the man with homosexuality and unpleasant experiences so that he would turn to women for relief.

1962. Irving Bieber and colleagues publish a psychoanalytic perspective of male homosexuality, saying: “All psychoanalytic theories assume that adult homosexuality is psychopathologic and assign differing weights to constitutional and experiential determinants.” Even so, they also say male homosexuality is functionally the result of hidden and incapacitating fears of the opposite sex. The outcome? “Although this change may be more easily accomplished by some than by others, in our judgment a heterosexual shift is a possibility for all homosexuals who are strongly motivated to change.” Their study said that of 100 male homosexuals, one third had become exclusively heterosexual.

1964. R. J. McGuire and M. Vallance publish an article in the British Medical Journal describing the use of electroshock therapy for the treatment of homosexuality. The authors devise a small electroshock device that would be suitable for home use, so that people could shock themselves whenever they had unwanted sexual impulses.

1969. David Reuben publishes the wildly popular Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask and describes homosexuality in dismal terms, rejecting the idea that homosexuality is inborn: “A lot of homosexuals ... prefer to consider their problem the equivalent of a club foot or birthmark; just something to struggle through life with.” But that’s not all: “Homosexuals thrive on danger. It almost seems part of their sexual ritual.” Still, not all is lost because for “those who want to change there is a chance.” But how? “If a homosexual who wants to renounce homosexuality finds a psychiatrist who knows how to cure homosexuality, he has every chance of becoming a happy, well-adjusted heterosexual.”

1970. Psychologist John N. Marquis opines that sexual orientation can be reconditioned, no matter where it came from originally. He recommends intense masturbation to conventional homosexual fantasies and images, then suddenly shifting at the moment of orgasm to heterosexual fantasies and images. Marquis believed that sexual interests could be trained to heterosexuality by this means.

1973. The American Psychiatric Association rejects the classification of homosexuality as necessarily pathological. This decision does not settle the matter once and for all, as public health commentator Ronald Bayer has noted. The Association retains the category of “ego dystonic” homosexuality—a disorder if it is disruptive to the affected individual. The Association eventually threw out that diagnosis as well.

1974. Lee Birk reports findings about group therapy for homosexuals, concluding that men who remained in therapy for more than one and a half years experienced a partial shift to heterosexuality, with some making a nearly complete shift.

1975. Psychologist Albert Ellis notes that original Freudian views of homosexuality were fairly pessimistic about treatment, but that “Modern psychoanalysts, who increasingly subscribe to less Freudian positions, almost always take a more optimistic view of the treatment of homosexuals.” Successful treatment is possible, he says, if homosexuals can overcome their reluctance to admit their psychological disturbance. In any case, treatment will be difficult because homosexuals have low self-esteem, are exceptionally defensive, have low energy and find their days a drudgery, are generally incapable of enjoyment except through drugs and alcohol, are easily distressed, and create crisis after crisis for themselves. Ellis also notes that many homosexuals are in prison, not an environment that is conductive to successful change!

1975. Irving Bieber continues the psychoanalytic campaign against homosexuality, saying: “Repetitive sexual behavior in adult life between same sex members is always pathological. It is never normal. There is no such thing as homosexuality being a normal sexual variant.” He argues that therapy to undo that condition can only work if there’s sincere motivation, strong ego development, and some history of heterosexual desire or behavior.

1976. Psychologist Gerald C. Davison argues that psychologists should stop offering therapies for homosexuality, saying that the existence of these therapies contributes to wrongful social treatment of homosexual men and women.

1982. Edmund Bergler presses his case against homosexuality well into the 1980’s, describing male homosexuals as frightened fugitives from women, fleeing in their panic to another continent. Bergler denied that there was any biological basis for homosexuality, but treatment was essential because “the homosexual’s whole personality is neurotically sick.” Bergler said he had successfully concluded an analysis of more than 100 homosexuals, provided they met certain conditions at the start.

1983. Why treat homosexuality if you can prevent it in the first place? German hormone researcher Günther Dorner argues that it might be possible to prevent the birth of homosexual children by manipulating sex hormones during pregnancy.

1984. William H. Masters and Virginia Johnson say they don’t believe homosexuality is pathological but, even so, some people don’t want to be homosexual. They note that some men end up homosexual because they’re emotionally and socially stunted. Masters and Johnson use female “sexual surrogates” to help these men. In a non-threatening environment, the men learn how to approach, talk with, and have sex with women. Masters and Johnson note that that some men fail to respond heterosexually, but that’s because they decide they’re happy with being homosexual after all.

1991. Psychologist Joseph Nicolosi argues that homosexuality in males is the result of a psychological injury sustained in childhood at the hands of the father. He recommends training in the male gender role as a way to overcome sexual interest in males.

2000. The Catholic Medical Association issues a document, “Homosexuality and Hope,” which denies that there are homosexual people in the sense that homosexuality belongs to their very nature. This means that, with the proper guidance, there is always hope of overcoming homosexual interests and behavior.

2002. The American Psychological Association outlined disclosure standards for sexual orientation therapy, namely descriptions of what people seeking sexual orientation therapy may reasonably expect by way of success. Margaret Schneider and colleagues have argued that disclosure should include alternatives to therapy as well as accurate representations of whether or not the therapy can be expected to work.

2003. Psychologist Robert Spitzer reports that many homosexuals interviewed in a telephone study say they have, in fact, changed their sexual orientation over time and through a variety of interventions. He says the alternative explanation—that these respondents lied pervasively—is less credible than believing that the reported change did occur.

2004. Robert Perloff, a past president of the American Psychological Association, defends the right of psychologists and other therapists to offer sexual orientation therapy. He points to the right of clients to choose, saying some people are distressed by their homosexuality. In 2006, Gerald Koocher, another past president of the American Psychological Association, takes essentially the same position. The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality has publicized these comments widely (www.narth.org).

IF ONE CONSIDERS homosexuality as pathological or disordered, it follows as a matter of medical logic that one should look for treatments and cures. Yet even as the number of people who interpret homosexuality this way diminishes, some people remain interested in shedding their homosexuality. Some people express unhappiness about their homosexuality because it conflicts with their religious values or idealized self-image. Also, some parents don’t like the sexual identity they see emerging in their adolescent children. All these people look to therapists for help, who in turn look to the science of their time for tools. So long as change remains even theoretically possible, the prospect of sexual re-orientation remains on the table. Today some wonder whether genetics will succeed where other ventures have failed.
Even as the moral debate about the ethics of therapy continues, it is important to remember that most homosexual men and women have never looked for help in changing their sexual orientation, not even when psychiatry labeled homosexuality a sociopathic personality disturbance. In fact, the market for sexual orientation therapy almost certainly shrinks in direct proportion to social acceptance of gay and lesbian adults and adolescents. It would probably shrink even further if all therapists and religious counselors who offer therapy for homosexuality were honest with their clients about the likely outcomes. One thing is certain for all ventures in sexual reorientation therapy: it has failed vastly more times than it has ever succeeded, and future research is unlikely to change that fact.

References
Allen, Clifford. “Homosexuality: Its Nature, Causation and Treatment,” in Charles Berg, Clifford Allen, eds., The Problem of Homosexuality. Citadel Press, 1958. Anonymous. “Results of Castration in Sexual Abnormalities.” The Urologic and Cutaneous Review, 1929 (33).
Bayer, Ronald. Homosexuality and American Psychiatry. Princeton University Press, 1987.
Bergler, Edmund. Counterfeit-Sex, 2nd ed. Grune & Stratton, 1982.
Bieber, Irving. “Male Homosexuality” (video recording). Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons and the New York State Psychiatric Institute, 1975.
Birk, Lee. “Group Psychotherapy for Men who are Homosexual.” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 1974 (1).
Catholic Medical Association, “Homosexuality and Hope,” 2000, at: www.cathmed.org/publications/homosexuality.htm
Cocks, Geoffrey. Psychotherapy in the Third Reich. Oxford University Press, 1985.
Dorner, Günther. “Neuroendocrine predisposition for homosexuality” (letter to the editor). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 1983 (12).
Davison, Gerald C. “Homosexuality: The Ethical Challenge.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 1976 (44).
Ellis, H. and J. Addington Symonds. Sexual Inversion. Arno, 1897.
Freud, Sigmund, “Psychogenesis of a Case of Homosexuality in a Woman.” Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, vol. XVIII. Hogarth, 1955.
Hammond, Graeme M. “The Bicycle Treatment in the Treatment of Nervous Diseases.” Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 1892 (19).
Lewis, Denslow. “The Gynecologic Consideration of the Sexual Act” (orig. presented and published in 1900). Journal of the American Medical Association, 1983 (250) 2.
Marquis, J. N., “Orgasmic Reconditioning: Changing Sexual Object Choice through Controlling Masturbation Fantasies.” Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 1970 (1).
McGuire, R. J. and M. Vallance. “Aversion Therapy by Electric Shock.” British Medical Journal, 1964 (Jan. 18).
Meagher, John F. W., “Homosexuality: Its Psychobiological and Psychopathological Significance.” The Urologic and Cutaneous Review, 1929 (33).
Nicolosi, Joseph. The Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach. Jason Aronson, 1991.
Oswald, I. “Induction of Illusory and Hallucinatory Voices with Consideration of Behaviour Therapy.” Journal of Mental Science, 1962 (108).
Schneider, Margaret; Laura S. Brown; Judith M. Glasgold. “Implementing the Resolution on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation: A Guide for the Perplexed.” Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 2002 (33).
Special Committee of the Council of the British Medical Association. Homosexuality and Prostitution, 1955.
Spitzer, Robert L. “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change their Sexual Orientation? 200 Participants Reporting a Change from Homosexual to Heterosexual Orientation.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2003 (32).

A faith lived....

2009-02-17T16:22:00.003-05:00

My life is being changed. I've been spending time with an 80 year old retired minister, and each time I visit her she teaches me something real about faith. In her own small ways she is showing me what it means to really believe and trust in the power of faith. Over the years she has not had an easy life and every time I'm with her she says at least once, "You know, I really believe that God has taken care of me."

I can't explain the friendship we've developed and the ways she's blessed my life all I know is that we can never know the ways we are capable of blessing one another. My fascination is people and I'm constantly thinking about how people interact, and with my passion for the elderly I'm often frustrated with how the elderly are treated. It got me thinking, that if God calls us to love one another than why are we overlooking a generation of people who truly require our love and attention?

Today she told me that she thinks God sent me to her, and that she believes I'm her angel. Though I'm no angel, I feel God brings people together to bless one another and I could have never seen the kind of blessings we could bring to one another until I was sitting in the midst of it. What I've always searched for in Church I've found alive and well in this amazing woman.

I guess what I'm trying to express is... I'm thankful.

A New Read:

2009-02-02T13:39:00.001-05:00

Change

2009-01-21T09:19:00.000-05:00

Utterly amazing to have celebrated Barack Obama’s Inauguration in the state of Maine yesterday. Being Canadian I’ve never experienced an election year engulfed in American culture and I’ve never experienced an Inauguration and all that it entails. Last night I gathered with friends to watch Barack’s speech, and in a room of close friends we shared goose bumps and tears. We also shared hopes for what this man could bring to a country that is truly struggling right now.

Barack shared these words of scripture in his speach last night;

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. – 1 Corinthians 13: 11

Growing up is difficult and awkward and as Barack expressed, America is a young nation in comparison... growing up can be scary and it this idea of truly "growing up" that Barack addresses in regards to America and the changes that will have to take place in the future.

It’s interesting how the last 8 years have had religion imposed in nearly every aspect of politics. It was clear that President Bush set his religious agenda at the top of his priority list; blurring the lines between church and state. I now see the hope of a man of faith who clearly keeps his faith in check as a means of providing strength in difficult situations and a means of humility in light of the big picture. I see a man of faith who instead of setting his faith as an agenda for the rest of us will rather honor each American in the ways that he would want to be honored. Again following the basic precepts of Christianity that we should do unto others as we would have then do unto ourselves.

My hope is that in the same way that we have seen change with the first African American president, that we will see the hope for change for all minorities. The possibilities are endless, change has come and will continue to come. I hope that for all of my fellow members of the LGBT community who feel overlooked, who feel wronged with the passing of proposition 8 and the banning of gay adoption in some states, that you will see... Change is possible. I am praying that we can use this hope to continue to fuel our own desires for change and equality.This year could easily be a year of true disappointment for us, a year where we feel as though we’ve even been forced to take steps back. But if we look at what Obama stands for and if we see ourselves as part of the collective of minorities we can then see this sense of hope that if a huge change in the oppression of African Americans can happen then there can be hope that there will be continued steps towards the end of homophobia and bigotry towards the LGBT community. Stand strong, keep your head up.... continue the fight for equal human rights.

“While we have come a long way since the Stonewall riots in 1969, we still have a lot of work to do. Too often, the issue of LGBT rights is exploited by those seeking to divide us. But at its core, this issue is about who we are as Americans. It’s about whether this nation is going to live up to its founding promise of equality by treating all its citizens with dignity and respect.”

— Senator Barack Obama

In God there is no hierarchy.

2009-01-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what faith can do. I'm not talking about religious rules but rather a grounding, leading faith. I've been on quite an amazing journey as I traveled home for the holidays. In retrospect I can see my own ignorance. I can see why I did what I did in the past five years of my life. There is something behind why I found faith before I came out. I feel like coming out would have been too difficult without faith and staying in the closet for years would have been the end of me if I didn't have God.
At first I saw religion and faith as synonymous means to God. Now I see the rules and language is what had me caught up in something not entirely of God. I thought being "saved" from all my short comings, was the key to becoming worthy of God. I now feel as though I am worthy of God's infinite love because of my short comings and need for something beyond myself.
These rules of God and bad behavior merely create a hierarchy for us to measure ourselves as good enough or not. I believe we are already good enough in God's eyes. God says that He proved his love for us in that he died for us while we were still sinners. The bible is full of expressions of how much God loves us. So God proved his love for us in that he died for the unworthy? Or is this a matter of God dying for those he loved and being "worthy" of this love isn't given much thought in the same way that a parent loves their child unconditionally regardless of any labeling of worthiness for such love. This kind of love between a parent in child isn't a matter of worth, there is something much deeper here.

"God tells us over and over how much we are worth to Him. He calls us sons, dearly loved children, and he tells us that He will give us good gifts and discipline--he will treat us the way loving father should treat his children. What are our own sons worth to us? They are priceless." - An Observation of Mercy

As I move through these thoughts I am amazed by my own experience of love between my parents and I. It's been a journey and I've learned a lot of patience. I truly have fought for understanding and in thinking of what God's love is and what love a parent has for their child... I see the struggle. A struggle to want the best and to question the path one's child takes, especially a path that can be filled with many difficulties. Through my life's battles my faith has truly morphed into something uniquely mine. God has given me the gift of experiencing extreme heartache and it's through this that I've been blessed with an experience of genuine faith. I know that where understanding may be difficult to find there will always be love. That has developed as the basis of my faith and has really allowed me to move through some trying times, only to come out stronger.

Proposition 8 - Paper for Class

2008-12-05T10:15:00.001-05:00

A Nation Wide Protest Against Proposition 8

www.jointheimpact.com

"No one in California political circles has ever seen such a speedy response to a single political event. And it's spreading across the country. More than 10,000 rallied in New York City on Wednesday evening..." -- San Jose Mercury News

On Saturday November 15^th I joined in with people all over the world to protest proposition 8. This was the initial reasoning, to protest all that Proposition 8 stood for. To protest for equality and the end to discrimination towards the Gay community. We joined together and were over 1 million strong as we stood in the rain and chanted; “What do we want?”...”EQUAL RIGHTS”...”When do we want it?”...”NOW”!!

I woke up on this rainy Saturday morning feeling incredibly discouraged. I felt discouraged because I truly wanted this day to stand for something. I wanted my voice to be heard along with other members of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) community. I wanted our fight for equality to truly mean something. It seems like every time I take a stand for equality it feels in vain. Standing out as one is a scary feeling but there truly is strength in numbers. This is what defines a social movement, having a group of people come together to encourage or resist some kind of social change and to acquire power and influence one another.

Local news coverage was present here in Portland and Nation Wide, there was a lot of coverage on CNN. This was the kind of coverage that I was hoping for. On Youtube as well which is a highly popular social tool on the web where you can upload video to share with friends, family and inevitably anyone who chooses to view it. In thinking about how these protests differ from collective behaviour it is important to note the organization, if the movement was deliberate and if it has been enduring. For protests to happen in almost every state on the same day, I would say there has to be some organization there. The specific task on this given day was to relay a specific message and this message was presented loud and clear as you can see by the signs individuals came bearing. Part of the focus here with having protests occur nationwide was the push for publicity. The LGBT community was hoping that if we gathered nationwide our voice would be heard. Knowing that I had friends in Ottawa and Montreal who were joining me on that day truly made me feel like there was a much bigger picture there than what I was experiencing in Portland. It was also easier to attend being that it was low risk, knowing that we were coming in to any riots or any danger however for some the cost could be high being that not all LGBT individuals are out as such to their family, friends and co-workers. Despite this, I believe the low risk involved still spoke as an incentive to act and to be part of something bigger. The LGBT movement has been enduring now for years, being another component of what truly distinguishes a social movement from collective action. LGBT individuals have been fighting hard for their rights since the Stonewall riots in New York City in 1969 (Rimmerman, 2008:8). I would love to say that it has been an uphill battle but unfortunately as the passing of Proposition 8 presents, it has been quite the roller coaster ride.

The unique aspect of this nationwide protest in particular, is that it happened through the power of the web. This national protest leaked into international waters and was all started by a Seattle woman named Amy Balliet who started jointheimpact.com. Join the Impact birthed a new movement in marriage equality. The network building here was part of what allowed for this movement to gain its strength. Collectively the LGBT community is sparse in some areas and scattered across the world. In this nationwide protest the web provided strong network ties as what was occurring in California with the ban of marriage, and what was happening in Arkansas with the ban on Gay adoption truly sprouted a movement of insurmountable strength. These network ties through the web allowed for closer connection and allowed us to gather information instantly, information required for action. Local organizations such as Equality Maine and the Center for the Prevention of Hate Violence helped fuel the publicity for the event in Portland. Surprisingly though an online friendship networking tool proved to be the most powerful tool in getting the word out. Facebook, allowed for people to not only be aware of the protest in their own city, but it allowed for ongoing updates of what was going on in other states especially within California. In this way facebook truly allowed for the meso mobilizing structures in recruitment and getting the word out. The election on the other hand truly produced the macro political opportunity for the bigger picture, the gay rights movement. It was through all this networking that the organization of the movement took off in order to allow for a collective action of deliberate protests on Saturday, nationwide and even in Parts of the UK and Canada. This deliberate and organized movement I believe proved the movement to be a valid voice.

The movement proved to be of a reformative nature as the discrimination of the Gay community has truly been viewed as a social problem and is the civil rights issue of our time. “Gay is the new black” as many are saying. A Reformative social movement seeks to change an entire societal view in this case, the view of heterosexuality as the norm and marriage as defined between one man and one woman. Not only is the Human Rights movement seeking for a change in societal views they are seeking governmental change to allow for more inclusive legislation involving marriage. A mistake has been made in thinking that Gay rights differ from that of human rights. A mistake has been made in thinking that the discrimination and bigotry acted upon the gay community is any different than the discrimination that the black community endured when marriage within the black community as well as interracial marriage was illegal. This mistake was socially accepted and reformed as marriage was redefined to allow equal marital rights for the black community, in the same way the LGBT community is seeking a reformation in redefining marriage once again.

A family that attended the protest together truly grabbed my attention. Perhaps it was their matching signs, or perhaps it was their togetherness. The family was there for their fathers and grandfathers. This family came to fight for the rights of their loved ones who were unable to attend themselves. This family expressed the non-issue that having Gay fathers or Gay grandfathers, has been in their own family life. They also expressed their disdain for such discriminatory legislative initiatives like what happened in California, Florida and Arkansas on Election Day. Not only was California discriminating on the human ability to marry but the daughter who was adopted by two gay fathers expressed her disgust in gay adoption being banned in Arkansas. A family such as this expresses how Gay rights affect every aspect of family that is attached to those individuals. This family is the epitome of what it means to be a straight alliance for the gay community.

“This is our moment to stand strong together -- gay and straight -- and say that we refuse to accept a California where discrimination is enshrined in our state constitution” (Courage Campaign).

In attending the event I also ran in to Professor Wendy Chapkis, an individual who I highly respect. As we begin chanting she expressed her joy in seeing an LGBT student from USM willing to stand in the rain. For many reasons standing there with her chanting for Equal Rights evoked intense emotion in me. It’s not simply about expressing our frustration and our disgust; this protest was about truly fighting for some basic human rights. It’s also important to me to realize that as a student, the more you become educated about social movements and your own political voice I find that you only feel more compelled to act out at such events. I believe the signs that stated, “Second Class Citizen” struck me the most. I pay my dues to society in the same way that everyone else does and my capacity to love is no different. So why are we still voting on Human Rights? Why do we still believe this to be for the betterment of society? In what ways do I deserve less than my straight neighbours? Questions such as these can overwhelm when you are standing in the midst of a fight that in all reality should not be.

In opposition to the movement the Christian right has made their voice loud and clear. In the passing of Proposition 8 the Mormon community in California raised millions of dollars to pass the ban on marriage. When the movement began it began to grow along with its opposition, the Homophile movement. The Homophile movement held an ideology that lesbians and gays were perverts, psychopaths and deviates (Rimmerman, 2008:15). As we move into today’s current battle, the same ideology seems to be underlying the Religious Rights fear of the LGBT community having equal rights, specifically equal marriage rights. The belief is that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. This is the most fundamental argument, one that truly holds little theological study. There is this concept that the bible expresses opposition to homosexuality. I hold on to the scripture in Romans 8:39 that expresses, “Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”; presumably nothing means nothing, no competing value system, sexual attitude or race, Paul is writing here about inclusivity in the most absolute sense (Spong, 1983:37). After attending two years at a conservative Bible College and having some intensive theological study of my own I’ve truly come to understand the lack of depth that these arguments hold as they don’t take in to consideration historical background and context of the bible. Again this draws on the idea concerning how the bible was once used to suppress the black community and condone slavery. I’ve also heard in a comedy skit, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mary J. Blige” the expression here is that Mary J. Blige is a black woman and this expression should be thought of in the same sort of argument that has been made against the Gay community.

Christians have truly moved past this and for the most part Christianity has progressed in some denominations past the dominant ideology of patriarchy. In most Christian denominations now women hold equal positions within the church and a view of equality within society. In the same way the LGBT community is now being suppressed and justified in the same manner that Women and people of color had been for years. “In 1970 the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its official Diagnostic and Statistical Manual list of mental disorders” (Rimmerman, 2008:25). Yet the Christian right would still claim homosexuality to be just that, a disorder. Christian organizations such as Exodus still provide Ex-Gay ministries seeking to “change” LGBT individuals so they can live a God honouring, heterosexual life style. In general the concept of the church is that it sees itself as a moral and spiritual institution that transcends cultural and hisotical relativity (Yip, 60). I argue here that if this truly is the case then we would still be seeing segregation within our congregations and a female pastor would not exist. The truth is that there is a cultural and historical relativity, that once again needs to be focused again, progression needs to happen once again.

In thinking theoretically about the social movement for LGBT rights and specifically for the right to marry, I would like to consider Relative Depravation Theory. Relative Depravation states that a person feels they have less than they believe they deserve. It also states that as individuals we feel discontent when there is something that we want and believe we deserve but cannot have. Although most expressions of this were linked to poverty and a depravation of material means I am arguing for a true depravation of rights. The Gay community has had to fight to be accepted as healthy, and fight beyond the thoughts of Gay being an illness that needed to be cured. Now that the majority of the medical discourse would express homosexuality to be perfectly natural we have had to fight for anti-discrimination laws within the workplace. Beyond equal rights in the workplace we now are fighting for equal rights within our homes as we fight for equal marital rights. It is this depravation of the right to work where we choose, the right to love whom we choose and even in some states, the right to adopt a child if we so choose. It is this depravation that has been occurring over the years that has leads the LGBT community to truly believe that we deserve far more. We will be “second class citizens” no more.

The political process theory on the other hand allows for a movement to achieve success in matters of legality. A Supreme Court judge lifted the ban on gay marriage and proclaimed marriage equality. It was in this moment that the religious right lead by the Mormon Church took this opportunity to launch false campaign adds expressing ludicrous ideas of what marriage equality for the LGBT community would mean. Ideas expressing that if same sex marriage is allowed, the next move would be bestiality (marriage between human and animal) as this is in any way equated between the love of two consenting adults. There are also ideas that marriage will then falter, even though this seems to already be happening with no contribution of the LGBT community. The political process theory was taken on by four activist judges of the Supreme Court in California who overturned a ban on marriage, and lifted a heavy sheath of discrimination. These were the access to elites that were needed to push for such a change. In the same way opposition stood up strong and on November 4^th 2008 discrimination against one minority of the population was written in the California constitution, a sad day for the LGBT community. In allowing for this political process to take off the most difficult task has been “Trying to find common ground for political mobilization among all these identities has become one of the most difficult tasks of what has come to be galled the gay rights movement”(Rimmerman, 2008:2). The diversity within the LGBT community is quite vast and there has been some dissention between specific sections of the community since it began. Only until recently have the Gay and Lesbian community begun to be more accepting of the Trans community. There are these competing identities, that being a woman for the lesbian community holds far too much pride to ever wish to change. Thoughts such as this have caused division within the community and recently I believe we in the LGBT community have finally realized that we are all fighting together and have learned to embrace our diversity.

So was this a truly successful social movement? In thinking about the passing of proposition 8 on November 4^th, can we truly say that the Gay rights movement has been successful? Perhaps marriage equality has not yet been successful but the Gay Rights movement as a whole, as truly brought us a long way. We have fought for our rights just as the Civil Rights movement was successful in U.S. history, inch by inch. Change can happen in phases and this is what I believe will continue to happen. The LGBT community has been using respectable social tactics to push for this goal. Despite the opposition the fight presses onward with a goal of equality for the future. Jointheimpact.com expresses our need to look at the diversity within our own community. We need to be careful not to pit blame against one another and to truly have an attitude of inclusivity it we want to gain strength in our numbers. Somehow untruth won in the campaign for Proposition 8 and I believe it the duty of all those who see injustice within this legislation passage to bring some progressive knowledge to society as oppose to some of the lies that society has been fed through the Yes on Proposition 8 campaign.

Works Cited

Courage Campaign. 2008. November 20^th 2008. http://www.couragecampaign.org/

Join the Impact. 2008. November 20^th 2008. www.jointheimpact.com

National Organization for Marriage California Committee. 2008. November 25^th 2008.

http://protectmarriage.com/files/faq.pdf

Rimmerman, A. Craig. The Lesbian and Gay Movements: Assimilation or Liberation? West View Press, 2008.

Spong, John. Living In Sin?:A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality. New Jersey: Christianity for the Third

Millenium, 1983.

Yip, Andrew. “Sexuality and the Church”. Sexualities. Sage: London. 2003.

Reactions...

2008-12-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

I was reading up on what's going on with Proposition 8 on The Advocate and in reading an Article on how Mormons are now being investigated on Proposition 8 funding I was intrigued by some of the comments below the article.

Something that struck me was a comment stating that you cannot argue, or debate with religious folks. The comment was speaking explicitly about Mormons but this is something that I've heard often especially within the gay community. Being a Lesbian and also finding my own faith traditions to be of extreme importance to me I often find this insulting. How is it that religious folk are represented in the media mainly by individuals who are stubborn and unavailable in terms of change and different ways of thought. I watched the film Religious within which most of the individuals representing the different faith traditions were these deranged individuals who could see nothing past their own religious doctrine. Is this what the world truly thinks of people of faith?

I also feel as though we equate sexuality and religion on opposite ends of the spectrum from one another. It's as if saying I'm a lesbian deems me inadequate of being a person of faith. I struggle with this from time to time especially as news constantly reports same sex marriage as being opposed by the "religious right". My struggle is that what is represented is all to often dichotomous. Why can't society acknowledge the spectrum that exists within any ideology. In the same way that I believe sexuality is a spectrum I too see religious/spiritual beliefs to be on a spectrum. So if this spectrum would render me on the extreme left why is it that I all to often am not recognized as being "Christian" at all? I guess it leaves me wondering why I struggle with such a label. I think part of it is that like many other things that have been stripped from me like the right to be called married in the U.S., the right to attend most churches comfortably as an openly gay individual. I suppose because of this I refuse to have my right to hold on to the faith I choose taken away as well.

With all that being said, I find it extremely difficult to find an outlet that allows me to express my faith in the ways that feel relevant to my life. Perhaps this is the struggle of everyone, and perhaps part of it is just finding my own individual outlet. I suppose that's one aspect of faith that I haven't mastered yet. I'm always on the look out for new adventures.

Whatever is...

2008-10-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

What is it about the bible that intriques me? In prepping for Sunday school this morning (yes this avid overthinker is teaching sunday school), I was reading Phillippians...

...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praise worthy- think about such things... - Phil 4:8

I don't know what it is but I always feel inspired to write after reading scripture. What does scripture even mean to me? Honestly I don't know much. I don't believe the bible to be infalliable. For me I feel as though it serves it's purpose in my faith through inspiration. Sitting with my wife, she expressed her belief in Moses finding two tablets of stone in the wilderness. Her faith truly amazes me. She belives this story in the literal sense where I struggle to believe. I want to believe the same, but I'm forever questioning. Did moses truly find the ten comandements, were these given directly from God? How amazing would that be? And why is it so hard for me to believe it to be anything beyond metaphorical?

Sometimes I worry that my questioning and my constant searching for truth will spiral me into utter confusion. But as Paul state.. whatever is pure and right etc. It's praiseworthy to think about these things. For me this quest for truth, truly is right. I couldn't be me without expressing the deep seeded passion I have in questioning. God created me to be a seeker of something that doesn't seem to be quite set in stone. Perhaps I'm wandering in the wilderness for my tablets of truth wondering what the heck I'm doing there.

...be sincere.. be devoted....

2008-09-29T14:19:00.000-04:00

Romans 12:9-12
Love must be sincere.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal,
but keep your spiritual fervor,
serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer.
Share with God's people who are in need.
Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you;
bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be proud,
but be willing to associate with people of low position.
Do not be conceited.

I'm only human, I often make mistakes. I often don't say the right thing, I don't always do what I ought to. With all the things I may fail to do ... I always aim to live with a spirit of love. I live with a thankful heart that what I've been given is not by chance. In reading Roman's 12 this sunday I really felt a reminder of how inspirational the bible can be when we don't use it as a weapon and when we simply enjoy ancient words of wisdom.

The center for progressive christianity states that one of their biggest beliefs is that our actions towards one another is the fullest expression of what they believe. I truly believe that and in reading these words of love I'm really reminded of how simple this idea of living faith can be.

Time line of life...

2008-09-11T15:28:00.000-04:00

So ... I'm taking a Death and Dying course and it has really been provoking a lot of thought. Our first big project is to write a Loss History paper, basically creating a time line of great losses in my life. Sounds like a hard paper to write but today I started and the words just flew out of me. In writing the paper I think the biggest things that jumped out were the intense emotions of not only love but of grief I have experienced. I really feel as though this has shaped the kind of love I hold for my friends and family no matter what we go through. The biggest thing that really stuck out was how my life shifted the moment I realized life was getting too dark for me.
There was a moment in my life, when I knew I couldn't bear it on my own. It was then that I found faith. I've often wondered well did I find faith or did faith find me? Do I feel that God reached out to me in my despair, honestly... no. I feel as though I choose to seek out something more. I had a desire to find something that gave life more meaning and a deeper sense of understanding of this circle of life and death. It's been this journey that is in constant motion. Through finding faith life truly seemed brighter. Through digging and digging I felt as though I almost dug too far and reached into a zone that was definitely not meant for me. Felt that darkness kind of creep in again. Plagued by self inflicted illness and intensely seeking to cover a huge part of my identity, faith truly seemed to be a vague thought floating in the distance.
But it came back ... and I got my feet on the right path again truly seeking progressive thoughts of God and understanding this identity I have and what it really feels like to live in this body I have. In retrospect there truly is this time line of life. A time line of the ups and downs and central to that for me is this faith that I keep on grappling with. It's not always logical and it doesn't fit in to any sort of mould that someone might claim it should. Call it a Christian faith, call it what you may ... it's more than just words and thoughts... it feels alive. Better yet, it truly has and will continue to keep me alive. Honestly what are we beyond a decaying body if we aren't filled with a soul. For me I truly have a soul that fights and pushes on a daily basis to be closer to something I cannot explain.

Why?

2008-09-02T18:41:00.000-04:00

We contemplate things we will never have answers for.

Perhaps this is part of the cruelty of the human condition but for me these days it causes nothing more than frustration. I ask why and stare at the cover of this ancient book of wisdom wondering why this seemingly simple question never seems to be answered.

What is a relationship if not to have such a dialogue that leaves some sort of satisfactory answer. I feel no satisfaction in asking such questions these days. I feel a lack of comprehension as to why I'm left reeling from the sting of yet another confusing end.

I suppose life is a series of questions. A series of experiences through hurts and joys. We are given the joys of simply living yet some choose an exit strategy. Is this life not worth living? I see brightness and joy, I feel blessed even in heart ache. What causes an inability to see past the heart ache of the present. Why can we not always see through to the joy we will feel again... in the future.
I seek to feel this peace that I've heard people speak of. This peace that God gives you when you rely on Him. What does that mean? To rely? I sit on every moment as though they are shared together. Wondering how to put in to words the things I feel realizing that words aren't required of me. But does this mean I am relying on God? To push some of my hardest unanswerable questions on Him, is this what they call "relying"? Why is this then spoken of sometimes as though it's a warm fuzzy experience. If anyting for me this feels like a soul crushing experience. Like I'm holding a giant boulder above my head staring in to the eyes of the one I've chosen to rely on, hoping that He'll let me feel the weight just long enough that my arms begin to shake and at that moment... relief???

I'm in need of something bigger, this is why I hold on to faith. God is present and I know that. God doesn't cause distaster and heart ache, I know this. But I wonder why I can't resort to a child's hopes for God. A God that can swoop in like super man and make everything right again. But these wrongs can never be made right, and though people say one day it will all make sense, I beg to differ. Rather, I hope it never makes sense because I feel more comfortable feeling confused about disaster.

Why for me means there is something larger, something I desire a need for to ease my feelings of being overwhelmed when I find no answers to life's most difficult questions.

Lucky....

2008-08-11T14:52:00.000-04:00

I feel so lucky, it's awesome to have a partner who lifts me up spiritually. I've never been a wedding person and never experienced many weddings. When it came to my very own, I felt overwhelmed. I am a mellow person, stress usually floats off me. This was not the case the week prior to my wedding ha. I can laugh it off now but life felt chaotic up until I hopped in the car to make my way to the church with Jeannie. It was then that we took a deep breath and focused on what the day was truly about. A promise to eachother but more importantly a promise to God. When we met there was confussion and we went through alot in trying to discover our own truth in a world that told us our love was wrong. But in that moment I felt God we promised eachother from the beginning that our relationship was about the three of us and on that short car ride to the church we promised again... to focus on eachother, to focus on God. The ceremony was beyond perfect. At times it felt as though it was only us and God up there at the front of the church. It was such a beautiful thing to bring people we love so intensly in to the promises we've made. And in that moment I felt God bless our love with such an intense affirmation that I've never felt before. I've felt God's blessing in our life together but never before as concrete as this. For all that I could say..... I feel lucky... lucky to have followed my heart when everyone said I was wrong and lucky to have someone who blesses me with unconditional love and spiritual encouragement like no one I've ever known.

God.... thank-you!

Close to my heart....

2008-07-28T09:37:00.000-04:00

With my upcoming graduation (finally) I have been really contemplating what the future holds. My passion for the elderly is something that anyone who knows me will say causes me to beam with exitment. Lately I've been thinking about lGBT rights within the elderly population. A scary topic of thought but something that I feel really compelled to focus on. I'm seeking out Internship positions and praying about what areas I'd be of best use... possibilities are endless and truth be told I am willing to do anything that adds to the support of my wife. I suppose I just had this idea drilled in to my head that God has given us all gifts so that we can do good with them. I feel like I have been given this gift and I just want to make sure that I really put it to use. In all honesty I've always felt as though I understand God more when I'm working with the elderly. I also feel a much larger sense of purpose in my life. Anyways a lot of thoughts are going through my head these days. Not only because I am graduating this coming May but because I am newly married and looking forward to a beautiful future, a future within which I want to add beauty to the life of my partner and the children we have. Just be in prayer or send positive thoughts my way regarding this internship I'm blessed to undertake because I really want to use it as an intensive learning experience.
Check this out : http://www.hrc.org/issues/aging.asp

Love in all things.

2008-07-10T21:50:00.001-04:00

Today I strapped on my nanny shoes and headed down to the kiddy pool at a park in town. With nothing but splashing on my mind I over hear comments being made towards a man sitting on the steps at the entrance to the kiddy pool. Paying no attention I help assist my little one with her sandals as I take notice of the anger in the woman's voice behind me. I listen as she calls this man a pedophile. So how am I to react? How am I to know the truth of this man's past. So for a moment I begin to question, why is he down here? Because I've been blessed with opened eyes knowing people who have damaged others in their past but truly have changed I choose to NOT assume. Now I wonder, is this part of seeing God in others? Is this part of truly loving another as you would want to be loved? As moments passed I noticed that this man actually knew three mom's that were playing at the other end of the kiddy pool, the end that my little buddy for the day chose to wander towards. This man was socially awkward and mentally slower and perhaps these were or were not factors in this woman's decision to call the police on to the scene. As this man was escorted up the stairs one of the mom's followed after him. And after a few brief moment's the mother and the man come back down the stairs to assume the same position they were in before. It was obvious the Police man felt there was no need to have the man leave.

I felt truly upset and truly angry. But again my quest to be love and to seek love as I see God as love pops in to my mind. Not only must I see God in this man and this experience but I must see God and feel love in this woman's experience. This woman who out of fear felt compelled to call the police on a man she didn't know, a man who merely seemed out of place. This woman for whatever reason or experiences she has had in her life made a mistake today. A mistake perhaps she will or will not regret, a mistake that may or may not leave this man feeling misunderstood. Regardless this woman also deserves the same love, the same sort of viewing. I think this is the most difficult part. Sometimes it's easier to try and see love in someone who is having wrong done to them, but what about the individual who we believe to be doing the wrong?

All I know is that today a man was unfairly singled out, and I hope that people can learn to truly see love within one another in an attempt to remove barriers of fear between each of us. I pray we learn not to fear each other but to view one another as family. A huge desire and perhaps an unattainable one but I believe that change begins in our own hearts... something I'm working on transforming from day to day.

If you haven't seen Little Children please rent it. Not entirely the same story but the ideas in the movie remind me of what I experienced today.